Righteous Insanity

Free Easter Skit - I, Rooster

At last, the story can be told - a skit for Easter about the rooster who crowed after Peter's denial.

I, Rooster
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Pastor (can be an associate pastor or a lay person)
Rooster

DIRECTOR’S NOTE: This scene is intended for an actor and a puppet. It can be performed with a puppeteer behind a curtain or table; or it can be done as a ventriloquist act; or you can put a man in a chicken suit. If time is a constraint, some of the humorous dialogue at the beginning and end can be trimmed so you can get to the meat (no pun intended) of the story.

Pastor enters.

PASTOR: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special privilege today. We’re going to hear from one of the key participants in the Easter story. What makes this so special is that, in two thousand years, his story has never really been told. The night Jesus was betrayed, Simon Peter told Jesus he would follow him to the end, even if it meant death. Jesus told Peter, before the rooster crows, he would deny Jesus three times. Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for the Rooster.

The Rooster enters.

PASTOR: Mr. Rooster, thank you for joining us.
ROOSTER: Please, just call me Rooster.
PASTOR: Rooster, it is an honor to have you here.
ROOSTER: Thank you, Pastor. And may I say that after two thousand years, it’s about time.
PASTOR: What do you mean?
ROOSTER: Oh come on. Easter comes every year. You’ve had what, two thousand Easters?
PASTOR: Somewhere in there.
ROOSTER: Two thousand years, and every year, you pastors and your drama guys and your pageant guys, you’re all looking for a new angle. Tell the story from Jesus’ point of view. Tell it from Peter’s. From Pilate’s. From Judas’. Even Barabbas gets his story told. Is there no love for the rooster?
PASTOR: Well, with all due respect, you were sort of a minor character.
ROOSTER: I beg your pardon! Everybody knows my part in the story. Jesus didn’t say “Before the morning comes,” or “Before the cow moos,” or “Before the dog barks.” He said, “Before the ROOSTER crows.” The rooster!
PASTOR: That’s you.
ROOSTER: That’s right. You know most Easter pageants, I don’t even get a credit? If they do my part at all, it’s off stage. Or worse, they use a sound effect. You put the donkey on stage, right? Sheep, goats, pigs, camels. Camels, pastor!
PASTOR: I hear you.
ROOSTER: This isn’t even their holiday. Camels are Christmas. But everybody loves them, so let’s bring them back out.
PASTOR: Now, Rooster…
ROOSTER: There were chickens in the stable too, you know.
PASTOR: Rooster, I think the first question we all want to hear is the story from your point of view.
ROOSTER: From my point of view? Well, I went to bed around nine. My alarm went off at 4:30. I had my coffee, read the paper, and then I crowed just before 5 AM.
PASTOR: That’s it?
ROOSTER: What do you want, angels?
PASTOR: Just the truth.
ROOSTER: Because they don’t send angels to chickens.
PASTOR: I see.
ROOSTER: We tend to spook.
PASTOR: So it was just another morning for you then?
ROOSTER: It was just another morning for all of us.
PASTOR: And you had no clue there was something different happening that day?
ROOSTER: No, I uh, I didn’t get the memo there, pastor. Come on, it wasn’t Good Friday to us. It was just Friday. You think Pilate knew what was coming that day? The guy ran on a platform of lower taxes and campaign finance reform, not anti-Jesus legislation, the poor guy.
PASTOR: Sounds like he got your vote.
ROOSTER: Whatever, man, I’m a Libertarian.
PASTOR: But you did eventually learn about what happened.
ROOSTER: I did. This kid Mark came and interviewed me.
PASTOR: Mark the gospel writer?
ROOSTER: That’s the one. Kid spent three hours getting my whole life story, all he gives me is two sentences.
PASTOR: I’m sorry to hear that.
ROOSTER: Ruined any chance of me getting a bigger mention in any of the other books.
PASTOR: So I guess Mark told you the rest of the story?
ROOSTER: Yes, he did, Paul Harvey.
PASTOR: Let me ask you, what did you think when you heard it?
ROOSTER: Well, I was glad to be me and not Peter.
PASTOR: I bet.
ROOSTER: And to be totally honest… I thought Jesus was a little crazy.
PASTOR: Why is that?
ROOSTER: Because he knew Peter would deny him! He knew this guy who followed him everywhere for three years would turn on him in an instant. And yet, he still died for him and all the other sorry, no good, ingrates. I didn’t get it.
PASTOR: Well, I think Peter’s story is symbolic of all of us. Jesus died for everyone, even those who don’t know him and refuse to accept him.
ROOSTER: That doesn’t sound crazy to you?
PASTOR: From a human point of view, yes.
ROOSTER: It’s not just a human thing. It doesn’t make sense to us chickens either.
PASTOR: But it shows that Jesus was more than a man, and that his love can forgive the sins of everyone, right?
ROOSTER: Well…
PASTOR: You don’t think Jesus forgiving Peter speaks loudly?
ROOSTER: Not as loudly as Jesus forgiving S. Truett Cathey.
PASTOR: I’m sorry, who?
ROOSTER: S. Truett Cathey. The founder of Chik-Fil-A.
PASTOR: Oh.
ROOSTER: You know, “We didn’t invent the chicken; just the chicken sandwich.”
PASTOR: I know the slogan.
ROOSTER: What a thing to be known for. Slicing us off the bone, lightly breading us, frying us up, and and serving us on a toasted, buttered bun with a pickle.
PASTOR: Yeah.
ROOSTER: And then turning the cows against us with their “Eat More Chicken” campaign. You see that?
PASTOR: I have.
ROOSTER: Learn how to spell, Bossie!
PASTOR: So what does the founder of Chik-Fil-A have to do with the grace of God?
ROOSTER: Well, when I heard about Peter, I was impressed. It takes a lot of love to forgive a friend who betrays you. But forgiving the guy who invented the chicken sandwich? That, my friend, is a miraculous kind of love.
PASTOR: Well, we certainly thank you for your insights and your wisdom.
ROOSTER: Thank you, Pastor. It’s been a great pleasure. I just hope it’s not another two thousand years before I can speak again.
PASTOR: Maybe you should write a book.
ROOSTER: Pssh, nobody reads any more Pastor. This is the 21st century. I’m writing a screenplay.
PASTOR: Well good luck, Rooster.
ROOSTER: If anyone knows Johnny Depp, I want him to play me.
PASTOR: The Rooster, everyone.
ROOSTER: Goodbye, you lovely people.

For more traditional Easter skits - and some more non-traditional - visit Righteous Insanity's website.

The Big Bad Movie - A new free play now available

Anyone remember The Last Temptation of Christ? It was the Golden Compass of his day, a blasphemous motion picture with a name cast and director that caused a huge outcry in the Christian community. Churches were urged to boycott and even picket the movie, demanding people stay away. The movie was not expected to draw that well, but thanks to the protests of angry Christians, it sold a few more tickets than anticipated.

Generally speaking, Hollywood is not Christian, and Hollywood does not make films that honor God. This is not news. In fact, every Friday they release a slew of movies filled with violence, sex, profanity, and other things that should offend us. (Funny how no one marched in protest against "Wedding Crashers", for example.) But sometimes a movie comes along that so offends our faith, we blog about it, spam our friends with warnings to stay away, and even drag out billboards with a teary-eyed Jesus to park in front of the movie theater while we march the picket line.

My question is, is this a genuine response of concern by the Christian community that Hollywood is pulling a fast one... or are we being played?

No question there are people out there who hate God, hate Jesus, hate the Bible, and want to discredit everything to do with Christianity. But movie studios, like every other business in America, are out to make money. They know sensationalism and controvery sell as well as star power and big name franchises, and they know how to play to the audience that won't come as well as the one that will.

I know you meant well. I know you were convicted in your heart to do it. But everytime you blasted an email warning people about The DaVinci Code, Dogma, Harry Potter, The Golden Compass, whatever... you gave them 100% free publicity.

Hollywood pays for TV ads, movie posters, web banners, and the like. They don't pay for you to blog or email about a movie you find offensive. And let's face it, the more people say "Don't go," the more people want to go.

We've all been played. It's time we own up to that.

That's what The Big Bad Movie is all about. Check out the new black comedy about Hollywood and the church at www.righteousinsanity.com/bigbad.html

New Skit - Church Search

Does your church teach that the Bible is the infallible Word of God? Or do they pander to your own beliefs and lifestyle? Dear Abby inspired this one.

Church Search
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Michael and Stacy - Christians who are living together
Pastor 1- A modern church pastor
Pastor 2- A liberal church pastor
Pastor 3- A traditional pastor

Stacy and Michael sit at a kitchen table, sipping coffee. The Pastors all enter and exit on the side of the stage and sit in a desk in a spotlight.

STACY: So, have you heard about any good churches?
MICHAEL: Nope. I asked around at work. My co-workers include two Mormons, a Unitarian, an agnostic, and a Jew. How about you?
STACY: I got a few names from people. Should we call and check them out?
MICHAEL: Might as well. Nothing worse than walking into the unknown on a Sunday morning.

Michael dials the first church on her list.

STACY: I do hope we'll find a church that fits us.
MICHAEL: I'm sure we will.
PASTOR 1: First Local Church, how may I help you?
MICHAEL: Uh yes, my girlfriend and I are new in town, and we're looking for a church that will meet our needs. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
PASTOR 1: No, not at all.
MICHAEL: One, do you do contemporary or traditional worship?
PASTOR 1: Contemporary, of course. Hymns are so old school. We're all for being young and exciting.
MICHAEL: Great. Do you have a singles ministry?
PASTOR 1: Sure we do. More than one hundred regular attendees on Wednesday evenings, and it's all about spiritual growth. None of that meat market garbage here.
MICHAEL: Wonderful. Now how do you feel about couple who live together?
PASTOR 1: Well, heh heh, the Lord doesn't exactly smile on that. We think you ought to be married before you move in, or have sex for that matter. And we'd be happy to help you take that step once you both find your own separate living arrangements.
MICHAEL: I see. Well, thank you for your time.
PASTOR 1: No problem. Hope to see you this--

Michael hangs up.

STACY: Something wrong?
MICHAEL: They want us to get married.
STACY: Dangit. What is with people? This is the 21st century. Don't they watch TV?

He looks at the next church in the book.

MICHAEL: It's just the first one on the list. Maybe the next one will be better.
PASTOR 2: First Progressive Church. How may I help you?
MICHAEL: Yes, my girlfriend and I are looking for a church home. Would you mind answering a few questions about your beliefs?
PASTOR 2: Ask away, dear brother.
MICHAEL: Okay. Do you do contemporary worship or traditional?
PASTOR 2: Well, a little of both, actually. We have a contempo service at eleven, and a traditional one complete with hymnals and an organ for the oldsters at nine.
MICHAEL: I see. And you have a singles group?
PASTOR 2: Sure do. Just started last fall and it is booming!
MICHAEL: Great, great. Now how do you all feel about non-married couples living together.
PASTOR 2: Haha, that is a sticky one. The Bible does seem to frown on it... BUT, we here at First Progressive think that's really up to the individual. So we take more of a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy there.
MICHAEL: Really?
PASTOR 2: Sure do. And that goes for hetero as well as homosexuals.
MICHAEL: Yeah, uh, that's really nice. Gotta run.

Michael hangs up.

STACY: Well? Will they let us live together?
MICHAEL: Yes. But they also condone homosexuality.
STACY: We're NOT going there. Liberal jerks. I bet they condone abortion too.
MICHAEL: Shall we call the next one?
STACY: Yes, definitely.

Michael dials.

PASTOR 3: Thank you for calling First Traditional Church, where we take the Bible as the infallible, inerrant word of God. Can I help you?
MICHAEL: Err, sorry. Wrong number.

Michael hangs up.

STACY: What's wrong.
MICHAEL: They think the Bible is the inerrant Word of God.
STACY: Oh my gosh. For real?
MICHAEL: I know, what a bunch of hate mongers.

Free Skit - "The Secret"

A skit in response to the best-selling book and it's messed up view of life. Share and Enjoy.

The Secret
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Meg- A woman suffering from cancer
Abbie- A woman who thinks she has all the answers

Meg is in a hospital bed, looking bad. Abbie enters with a book in a shopping bag.

ABBIE: Hey there.

MEG: Hey.

ABBIE: How you feeling?

MEG: Not good. The doctors say my cancer's spreading.

ABBIE: Really?

MEG: Yeah, seems like they didn't get all of if when they went in to remove the tumor. It's all over now, and surgery's no longer an option.

ABBIE: Is there anything they can do?

MEG: There's one procedure they could do that would stop it. But the problem is my health insurance provider won't cover it. And I don't have six million dollars to pay out of pocket! What am I going to do?

ABBIE: Meg, what if I was to tell you a secret that would cure everything?

MEG: A secret?

ABBIE: Not just a secret. THE Secret, as written in the best selling book.

MEG: The book? I just thought it was another cheesy self-help book like Dr. Phil writes.

ABBIE: No, Meg. The Secret is what you need to cure your cancer.

MEG: What I need is a better doctor, or better insurance.

ABBIE: No, Meg. What you need is a better attitude.

MEG: Excuse me?

ABBIE: That's right. It's not about getting better medical care or changing insurance. The real problem is, you have a bad attitude about dying and cancer.

MEG: Really?

ABBIE: That's right. It's your bad attitude that's killing you.

MEG: Funny. I thought it was the cancer eating away at my insides!

ABBIE: No, Meg. Cancer's not killing you. Your bad attitude is. And when you read The Secret, you'll discover how a new attitude will make all your problems go away.

Pause. Then Meg punches Abbie in the face.

ABBIE: OW!

MEG: What's the matter?

ABBIE: Meg, that really hurt!

MEG: No it doesn't, Abbie. You just have a bad attitude about being punched in the face!

New skit - Job Security

I grabbed lunch at a place I ate at frequently when I was working a previous day job. I don't know if the guy who waited in me was a Christian. What I do know is that he always had a smile, was always in a good mood, and a year later he's still happier in his same job than I am in a different one. Quite a lesson, considering I was over there applying for school to pursue another career myself. Here's a little skit about it. Hope it touches you as well.

Job Security

By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

George- A Burger King employee

Mr. Smith- An unhappy white collar worker

Judy- A customer (non-speaking)

A Burger King restaurant. George is at the counter, handing a bag of food to Judy. Smith enters.

GEORGE: Afternoon, ma'am. You have a lovely day.

SMITH: Afternoon, George.

GEORGE: Mr. Smith, this is a pleasure. I was hoping I might see you one last time.

SMITH: One last time?

GEORGE: It's my last day, sir. I'm finally retiring.

SMITH: No, really?

GEORGE: Yes, sir. Doctor says I shouldn't be on my feet so much. Don't know what else I'm gonna do.

SMITH: Take a well deserved break, I hope.

GEORGE: A fella gets restless after a while. But it will be nice to sleep in more often.

SMITH: Wow, retiring. It won't be the same without having you serve my lunch every Friday.

GEORGE: Yes, sir, I'm gonna miss you too.

SMITH: How long has it been we've been doing this?

GEORGE: I checked the other night. Twenty years.

SMITH: Twenty years? Wow. And it seems like only yesterday, we ran into one another for the first time.

Flashback/transition music. Lights fade down. Lights back up on George at the counter. Smith walks in.

GEORGE: Can I help you, sir?

SMITH: Yeah, get me a new job.

GEORGE: Well, sir, we are taking applications. But judging by your suit, fry chef is not on your menu.

SMITH: It's a nice thought, thanks. I'll take a number four.

GEORGE: Number four.

SMITH: I shouldn't complain. It's only a temporary thing. I'm working in a sales office, but I have a degree in computers. Soon as I have my portfolio, I'll be starting a whole new career.

GEORGE: Good for you. I always say, if you ain't happy, do something about it.

SMITH: You seem to be rather happy here.

GEORGE: It ain't computers, but I like it just fine.

SMITH: George, is it? I'm BIll Smith.

GEORGE: A pleasure, Mr. Smith. Your meal will be out shortly.

Transition music. Lights out. Lights back up on George and Smith.

GEORGE: Ah, those were the day, huh? You'd come in here every week.

SMITH: And you always asked about that portfolio.

GEORGE: You finally got it done, and you were off to your dream career.

Transition music. Lights out. Lights up.

GEORGE: Mr. Smith, good to see you, sir!

SMITH: Hi, George.

GEORGE: Mr. Smith, you seen a little down.

SMITH: Ah, it's this new job. I kinda hate it.

GEORGE: Naw, really?

SMITH: Yeah. It's boring, my boss is an idiot. I dunno, I kind of think maybe I was better off at the old one.

GEORGE: You were miserable there. Trust me, I remember.

SMITH: I suppose. It's only temporary. My uncle's looking to open a new business. He's got a ground floor opportunity for me. Just a few more months, and I'll be happy.

Transition music. Lights down, then back up.

SMITH: That was the worst job.

GEORGE: Oh no, sir. You had plenty worse come after that. Starting with your Uncle.

Transition music. Lights down, then back up.

SMITH: I hate it, George. My uncle's a slave driver. I'm working sixty hours a week, including Saturdays and Sundays.

GEORGE: Naw, really?

SMITH: He expects me to do everything because he's too cheap to hire anyone else to help. I'm exhausted.

GEORGE: You know, Mr. Smith, we're still hiring here. They make us go home at forty hours.

SMITH: No thanks, George. I've got a new opportunity brewing. I'll be back in sales in a few weeks, and this will be just a bad memory.

Transition music. Lights down, then back up.

GEORGE: Yes, sir. You've been in sales, purchasing, accounting, computers, telecom, warehousing, retail, trucking, investment banking, and hospitality.

SMITH: Don't forget that summer I worked for that puppet theater.

Transition music. Lights down, then up quickly.

SMITH: I hate puppets!

Transition music. Lights down, then up.

SMITH: Thirty companies, thirty jobs, twenty years. And all in the same outfits.

GEORGE: This is a company uniform. What's your excuse?

SMITH: I'm gonna miss you, George. Shame you won't be here in two weeks. I'm moving on to number thirty-one.

GEORGE: Really?

SMITH: Yeah, kind of sad, isn't it? I've been searching for happiness for twenty long years, while you stay here and... well, frankly, George, I've never known you to have a bad day.

GEORGE: Oh, I've had plenty. Including days you came in.

SMITH: It still seems like you've had a much happier career here than I have.

GEORGE: I noticed that, and if I may speak frankly, Mr. Smith...

SMITH: Speak away.

GEORGE: I coulda solved your problem twenty years ago. I'm almost ashamed I never brought it up before, but changing jobs ain't never been the answer for you.

SMITH: Why's that?

GEORGE: Mr. Smith, the difference between you and me ain't the job. It's my boss. I've worked for one boss all my life, even before this job, and that has made all the difference. You let him be your boss, and he'll make a difference for you.

SMITH: You talking about the King?

GEORGE: No, sir. I'm talking 'bout the King of Kings.

New Skit - CP Facial Treatments

CP Facial Treatments

By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

Dallas - A stuck up girl

Jenny - A nice girl... kind of

Dallas enters. She carries shopping bags and a designer purse, and is dressed in ridiculous, over the top fashions. She is currently on her cell phone.

DALLAS: Hi, Babs? It's Dal. How are you? You will not believe what I found a mall. The Gap had such a sale. I mean it was totally off the hook! Everything in the store was buy one, get one half off, so of course I had to buy like half the store so I could get the other half half off. It was still outrageous, but that's why I have my Platinum card, because when I see something i want, I have to have it. Oh, and I found the cutest sweater! It was so cute I had to buy it in green, brown, blue, purple, pink, white, black, and yellow. But I don't have any yellow shoes, so I'm on my way to get some. See ya!

Jenny walks on. She carries a bakery box labeled "CP."

JENNY: My pal Dallas has everything. She has all the latest clothes, all the latest music, even the latest technology.

DALLAS: Jenny, you see my new phone?

JENNY: Yes.

DALLAS: It's a MyPhone. It's like an iPhone except so much way better 'cause it has all my favorite music and my favorite shows! Oh, look, Scrubs is on!

JENNY: It's pretty cool hanging out at Dallas's house. She has so many cool things there. Like I said, she has everything.

DALLAS: Everything.

JENNY: And everybody wants to hang out with Dallas.

DALLAS: That's because I have so many cool things which make me like so way better than everyone? You know?

JENNY: It got to the point where shopping for Dallas was, well, almost impossible. What do I get her? Clothes?

DALLAS: Got 'em.

JENNY: The new Kelly Clarkson CD?

DALLAS: Got it.

JENNY: The complete seasons of Punky Brewster.

DALLAS: Got em!

JENNY: You weren't even alive when Punky Brewster was on TV!

DALLAS: I know, but she's like, so way hot, I had to have 'em! Punky rules.

JENNY: Then I discovered the gift for the girl who has everything.

DALLAS: Too late, already got it.

JENNY: CP Facial Treatments.

DALLAS: The wha--???

JENNY: CP Facial Treatments is the ultimate gift for the girl or guy who has everything.

DALLAS: Really?

JENNY: That's right. CP Facial Treatments are a must have for any person who has too much stuff, or who puts too much stock in outward appearances.

DALLAS: That's like, totally me!

JENNY: CP Facial Treatments are simple, fast, easy to use. Just open the box, remove from box, and apply to face. Even an airhead like Dallas could do it.

DALLAS: Dude, I love Airheads. Can we get some?

JENNY: Sure, but first, don't you want to try a CP Facial Treatment?

DALLAS: Are you kidding? Of course I do.

JENNY: Are you sure?

DALLAS: Dude, it's the first thing you ever got me I didn't have ten of, now give it to me?

JENNY: Should I give it to her, folks?

Get the crowd to respond; have Dallas egg them on.

DALLAS: Come on, everyone loves me. They all wanna see me get one.

JENNY: Okay, then. Close your eyes.

Dallas closes her eyes. Jenny removes the CP Facial Treatment from the box - it's a CREAM PIE!!!

JENNY: Ready?

DALLAS: Give it to me!

Jenny nails Dallas in the face with the cream pie.

JENNY: CP Facial Treatments, made with real cream pies. The perfect gift for anyone who needs to be taken down a peg.

"But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty." (1 Corinthians 1:27) I don't know about you, but for me, nothing confounds the wise like a pie in the face.

A really short skit

Rachel and Leah
By John Cosper

Leah walks into the dining room and sees Rachel at the table in her pajamas.

LEAH: So it’s true. You are sleeping with my husband. I can’t believe you! My own sister! How could you do this to me?
RACHEL: Because he’s my husband too.
LEAH: Oh yeah.

Coming soon: 30 SECONDS OR LESS, a collection of very, VERY short skits for Christian drama groups.

Available Monday, January 14, 2008.

And it's free.

The Prodigal Son Starring Yoda, Dobby, and Gollum

A few years ago, someone suggested it might be funny to put Yoda, Gollum, and Dobby in the same skit. It's been two or three years in the making, but a good idea finally came to me.

The Prodigal Son, Starring Yoda, Dobby, and Gollum
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Yoda – The Father
Dobby – The Prodigal
Gollum – The Other Brother
Jar Jar Binks – The Narrator
Lily – The Lady
Porky – The Pig

Jar Jar Binks enters.

JAR JAR: Hi-yo. Meesa called Jar Jar Binks. Meesa you humble narrator. Meesa tell you story, okeeday? Once upon a time-o in da galaxy, there was’n a very rich man. He owned lotsa land and cows that given blue milk. His name was-a Yoda.

Yoda enters.

YODA: Very wealthy I am, yes. Prosperous have I been. (laughs)
JAR JAR: Yoda was’n very old.
YODA: Look I so old to young eyes? When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not, hmm?
JAR JAR: Yoda hadden two sons: one was’n call-ed Gollum.

Gollum enters.

GOLLUM: Gollum love Daddy. Daddy love Gollum?
YODA: Love Gollum I do, yes.
GOLLUM: Gollum Daddy’s precioussss!
JAR JAR: And the other was’n call-ed Dobby.

Pause.

JAR JAR: Meesa said, one was’n call-ed Dobby.

Dobby runs on.

DOBBY: Dobby is so sorry, Mr. Narrator. Dobby missed Dobby’s cue. Bad Dobby!
YODA: Bad Dobby is not. A good boy he is, yes.
DOBBY: (bursts into tears) Daddy is so gracious to Dobby!
JAR JAR: One day, while Gollum was at worken…
GOLLUM: Gollum-gollum-gollum.

Gollum runs off.

JAR JAR: Dobby goes’n to Yoda and says:
DOBBY: Father, Dobby would like to receive Dobby’s inheritance so Dobby can seek Dobby’s fortune.
JAR JAR: But Yoda says:
YODA: Too young are you to receive your inheritance. Patient you must be.
DOBBY: If father will not give Dobby what Dobby wants, Dobby will do mean things to father. Like tell young Skywalker who his father is.
YODA: No! Tell him you must not. Give you your inheritance, I will.
JAR JAR: And so, Yoda given Dobby his’n money.
YODA: (hands Dobby some cash) Spend wisely you must.
DOBBY: Dobby will try.
YODA: Try not! Do or do not. There is no try.

Yoda exits.

JAR JAR: Dobby went off’n to da big city where he meet pretty lady.

Lily enters. Dobby offers her a flower.

DOBBY: Dobby has brought you a flower!
LILY: A wed wose, how womantic.
JAR JAR: Too bad for Dobby, all she wanten was his-a money.

Lily takes the cash and leaves Dobby with the flower.

LILY: See you way-ter, oww-i-gater.
JAR JAR: Poor Dobby, so sadden all alone.

Dobby breaks into tears.

DOBBY: Dobby squandered all of father’s money. Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
JAR JAR: He was-a so broken, he tooken a job feedin’ Porky Pig.

Porky Pig enters.

PORKY: Uh excuse m-m-m-me, D-d-d-dobby, I said n-n-n-n-no g-g-g-g-g-arlic in the spa-spa-spa-spaghetti sauce.
JAR JAR: Then one day, Dobby say to hisself:
DOBBY: Dobby is stuck feeding stuttering pigs and sleeping under stars, while Dobby’s father’s servants have a nice place to sleep. Perhaps Dobby’s father will take Dobby back as his house elf.

Porky exits.

JAR JAR: And so, Dobby goes home to sees his father. But while Dobby still a long ways off, Yoda sees Dobby and runs to him!

Yoda limps on with his cane.

YODA: LaDanian Tomlinson am I not, no.
DOBBY: Father, Dobby has been very bad. Please take Dobby back as your house elf.
YODA: House elf you are not. My son you are. The fattened calf we will kill, a celebration we will have!
JAR JAR: Everyone was-a so happy to sees Dobby… exceptin’ one.

Gollum enters.

GOLLUM: Father has betrayed Gollum. Gollum has been your preciousss. Gollum work hard for father, but Gollum never gets a party?
YODA: My son you are. Love you, I do. But lost was my son Dobby, and now found he is! Bitter you must not be, but celebrate with us, you must.
JAR JAR: And so, da family had a big-o party celebratin’ Dobby’s home bein’. But as for Gollum…
GOLLUM: (to audience as good Gollum) Gollum should be happy. Brother is home. Gollum missed brother. (evil Gollum) No! Gollum not happy! Dobby squandered all Dobby’s inheritance. Gollum should get everything that’s left. (good Gollum) No! Gollum must not think badly of brother. Gollum love brother. (bad Gollum) Dobby already got longer movie deal than Gollum, even though Dobby not near the theatrical achievement Gollum was! (good Gollum) But Gollum won Oscar. (evil Gollum) That’s right. Gollum’s movie win Best Picture. Dobby just annoying sidekick like Jar Jar Binks.

Gollum exits.

JAR JAR: Hey, meesa heard that!

Oxydate - a comedy skit

Sometimes I get these ideas that have no apparent spiritual merit, but I write them anyway, just for fun. This skit, based on Billy Mays of TV commercial fame, is one such skit.

OXYDATE
By John Cosper

The voice over intro is heard over black screen, fading in and out with slow mo shots of the actor playing Billy Mays in action.

VOICE OVER: Billy Mays. You know him. From his thick beard to his booming voice, to his oxygen powered commercials. Now get to know Billy Mays as you’ve never seen him in his new reality series: OXYDATE!

Fade in on a restaurant. PATRONS are seated and eating. BILLY sits at a table alone. THERESA enters, walks up to him. Throughout the scene, the patrons are disturbed by Billy’s LOUD voice.

BILLY- HI THERE!

THERESA- Hello.

BILLY- YOU MUST BE THERESA.

THERESA- Yes, and you’re--

BILLY- I'M BILLY. BILLY MAYS.

THERESA- (beginning to feel embarrassed by his voice) Yeah, I know.

BILLY- YOU LOOK REALLY LOVELY. THAT DRESS IS REALLY HOT ON YOU, SERIOUSLY.

THERESA- Yeah, thanks.

BILLY- WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

THERESA- Okay.

BILLY- SO KAREN TELLS ME YOU'RE A PARALEGAL.

THERESA- Yes I am.

BILLY- THAT'S GREAT.

THERESA- I think so.

BILLY- I SELL OXYCLEAN.

THERESA- You what?

BILLY- OXYCLEAN! IT'S A DETERGENT THAT CLEANS WITH THE POWER OF OXYGEN.

THERESA- That’s… nice.

BILLY- YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN MY COMMERCIAL ON TV.

THERESA- Sorry, guess I missed it.

BILLY- SEE THIS SHIRT? IT HAD SPAGHETTI AND MOTOR OIL STAINS LAST WEEK. LOOK HOW CLEAN IT CAME.

THERESA- Very nice.

BILLY- YEAH DON'T ASK HOW IT HAPPENED. WHAT MATTERS IS, THE POWER OF OXYGEN GOT IT OUT.

THERESA- Gee, I wonder what’s to eat here. Let’s see.

BILLY- GOOD IDEA! (opens menu) MY, THERE ARE A LOT OF NICE THINGS ON THIS MENU.

THERESA- There certainly are.

BILLY- WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

THERESA- Any moment now, a migraine.

BILLY- I THINK I MIGHT HAVE THE TACOS.

THERESA- Huh. The enchiladas look good.

BILLY- THE ENCHILADAS ARE GOOD. I LIKE THEM WITH THE GUACAMOLE SAUCE, BUT THEY GIVE ME BAD GAS.

THERESA- Oh my gosh.

BILLY- I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO, BUT YOU ARE REALLY SWEET.

THERESA- Really? Thank you.

BILLY- I SAY THAT BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A FLING.

THERESA- Gee, why don’t you repeat that a little louder?

BILLY- I'M LOOKING FOR COMMITMENT.

THERESA- Oh no.

BILLY- I'VE BEEN BURNED A FEW TIMES IN MY LIFE, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU.

THERESA- Haven’t we all?

BILLY- LEFT A REALLY BAD STAIN ON MY HEART.

THERESA- I bet.

BILLY- AND I DON'T CARE HOW HARD YOU SCRUB, NOT EVEN THE POWER OF OXYGEN CAN REMOVE A STAIN LIKE THAT.

THERESA- Oh my gosh.

BILLY- BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU, AND I HOPE WE CAN EXPLORE SOMETHING LONG TERM, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THERESA- I… I need…

BILLY- WHAT? NAME IT, I’LL GET IT FOR YOU.

THERESA- I need some oxygen!

(Girl leaves.)

BILLY- WELL WITH OXYCLEAN YOU’VE GOT— OH, I SEE. THAT KIND OF OXYGEN. WELL, BILLY, THAT’S THAT. NOT THE FIRST TIME. SADLY, PROBABLY NOT THE LAST. WHEN WILL IT EVER END?

(BECA walks up to the table.)

BECA- EXCUSE ME, SIR. I COULDN’T HELP OVERHEARING. I’M REALLY SORRY SHE LEFT YOU LIKE THAT.

BILLY- IT’S OKAY. I’M USED TO IT.

BECA- IF YOU ASK ME, IT’S HER LOSS. SHE’S MISSING OUT ON A GREAT GUY.

BILLY- REALLY?

BECA- SURE. I LOVE ALL YOUR COMMERCIALS. YOU’RE SO TALENTED.

BILLY- THANK YOU.

BECA- YOU’RE HANDSOME AND BRIGHT, AND YOU HAVE A SOFT, GENTLE VOICE.

BILLY- MOST GIRLS HATE MY VOICE. THEY SAY IT’S TOO LOUD.

BECA- WOW, THAT’S PROBABLY WHY I CAN HEAR IT. YOU SEE, I’M HARD OF HEARING.

(They have a moment, looking into each other’s eyes… it’s LOVE!)

BILLY- SO WHAT’S YOUR NAME?

BECA- BECA.

BILLY- NICE TO MEET YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

BECA- I WORK THE COUNTER AT THE BMV.

BILLY- I SELL OXYCLEAN.

BECA- I KNOW!

(Fade out.)

Christmas skit for Kids

Someone asked if I had a simple skit for kids that just told the Christmas story. I didn't, but I thought you know, that's a great idea. It's posted below if anyone needs it.

Don't forget there are 44 more available at www.righteousinsanity.com/christmas.html

Mary, Joseph and the Angels
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Narrator
Mary
Joseph
Toby- An angel
Gabriel- Another angel
The Innkeeper
Shepherds

Mary is on stage, scrubbing the floor. The Narrator enters with a story book.

NARR: It all began with a young woman named Mary, a Hebrew girl pledged to be married to a man named Joseph. Mary was home alone one day when all of a sudden, an angel of the Lord appeared to her.

Toby runs on.

TOBY: Fear not, for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy! Unto you--
NARR: Hey, Toby, what are you doing?
TOBY: I’m doing my part.
NARR: This isn’t your part!
TOBY: You said an angel appeared.
NARR: Yes, but this is Gabriel’s part.
TOBY: Oh… my bad.

Toby exits.

NARR: The angel appeared and said…

Gabriel enters.

GABRIEL: Greetings, Mary. Blessed are you among women, for you have found favor in the eyes of God. You will give birth to a son, and his name will be Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.
MARY: How can this be, since I am still unmarried?
GABRIEL: The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the child conceived within you will be the seed of God.
MARY: I am the Lord’s servant. Let it be to me as you have said.

Gabriel exits. Joseph enters.

NARR: Mary went and told her fiancé, Joseph, the news the angel told her. Joseph was troubled by this news, and he thought to break their engagement. But then the angel of the Lord appeared to him and said—

Toby runs on.

TOBY: Fear not! For behold, I bring you good tidings of—
NARR: Toby! Not now!
TOBY: But you said an angel! And Gabriel already did his part.
NARR: Yes, but this is Gabriel’s other part.
TOBY: He gets two parts?
NARR: Yes.
TOBY: Aww, man!

Toby exits.

NARR: The angel appeared and said:

Gabriel enters.

GABRIEL: Joseph, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. The child inside her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. You shall call him Jesus, and he will save his people.

Gabriel exits.

NARR: Mary and Joseph were married, and soon the time came for the baby to be born. It was at this time that Caesar Augustus ordered a census of all his people. Mary and Joseph had to travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem , Joseph’s home town, when Mary was nine months pregnant. They arrived in Bethlehem and sought out a room in a local inn, but the innkeeper said to them:

The Inkeeper enters. Toby runs on again.

TOBY: Fear not! For behold I bring you good tidings of great—
NARR: Toby! This is the innkeeper’s part. Not yours.
TOBY: I’m sorry. It’s just getting boring. When do we get to my part?
NARR: Soon!

Toby walks off.

NARR: The innkeeper said to Joseph:
INNKEEPER: I do not have any rooms, but I have a stable. You may stay there if you wish.

The Innkeeper exits.

NARR: So they did, and while they were in that stable, Mary gave birth to the baby Jesus. She wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger. That same night shepherds were in a field keeping watch over their sheep.

The shepherds enter.

NARR: Just then an angel of the Lord appeared to them. And they were terrified. But the angel said to them… I said the angel said to them… Toby!!
TOBY: (off stage) What?
NARR: It’s your part!
TOBY: Just a minute! My halo fell off!

The Narrator shakes her head. Toby runs on.

TOBY: Now?
NARR: Yes, Toby.
TOBY: Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy. Unto you is born this day in the City of David , a Savior, Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign to you: you will find the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
NARR: Then a whole host of angels appeared, singing:
TOBY: (shouts) Glory to God in the highest! Peace on Earth! Goodwill to men! 
NARR: So the shepherds went to visit the baby Jesus, and they left there praising God, for they had seen the promised Messiah.
TOBY: Pretty cute, isn’t he?
NARR: Toby, the play’s over.
TOBY: The play’s over, but not the story.