Righteous Insanity

The Essentials - A new skit!

The Essentials
By John Cosper
Righteousinsanity.com

CHARACTERS
Pastor
Meredith- A new believer
Larry, Doreen, Frank, Melanie- Biased believers
Jesus

Pastor is on stage with Meredith.

PASTOR: And this is Meredith Baker. Meredith comes forward today making her confession of faith. She'll be baptized after tonight's service. Be sure to come up and welcome her into the family of God after the service.

Pastor exits. Larry enters. (Note: Larry and all the other church members should have an armload of fliers, booklets, and other items to hand Meredith, as mentioned in the dialogue. Weigh her down with as much junk as possible.)

LARRY: Well, well, Meredith, huh? Welcome to the family of God, sister. We're sure happy you decided to join us. Here's your membership card in the Republican Party. Here's your pro-life bumper sticker, and of course, your NRA decal for the back window of your car. You display these things with pride, now. These are the marks of a true believer. Glad to have ya.

Larry exits. Doreen enters.

DOREEN: It is so good to have you join us. My name is Doreen, and in case you didn't know already, I lead the home school moms group that meets every Thursday morning. I know you'll want to be there because, let's face it, Christians can't send their kids to public schools any more. We're going to have a guest speaker in from the national office talking about ten new ways to shelter our children from the world. Be sure and bring a casserole or dessert.

Doreen exits. Frank enters.

FRANK: Hi, Meredith. My name's Frank, and these are you offering envelopes. Remember, ten percent is the minimum, but also remember, we're not looking for believers who give the bare minimum, okay? Wise stewards find a way to give more. Oh, and if you have debts, I have a new God's Money class starting next Monday. Registration is $130. See ya soon!

Frank exits. Melanie enters.

MELANIE: Well bless God, and bless you, sister. It's so good to see you here. Here's the instructions for reprogramming your TV remote. Now that you're a Christian, you need to avoid the sinful garbage on TV shows. Stick to TBN and reality programs that don't involve males and females doing overnights. Also, my husband and I offer a ministry where we can come to your house and personally remove and burn all the immoral books, movies, magazines, and music you might have. And for $5 a month, we can filter your Internet. Okay? Bless you, Meredith. So glad you joined us.

Jesus enters. He sees all the stuff that people have given Meredith. She looks very overwhelmed. He takes away the stickers, the fliers, etc and tosses them all aside.

JESUS: Come on. Follow me.

Meredith smiles and follows Jesus.

New skit - Silencing the Truth

For every teacher, employee, and believer who felt they had to stay silent while school, work, or political correctness promoted something you know to be wrong... this skit is for you. Be bold, and speak the truth in love. Always.

Silencing the Truth
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Mr. Frank- A Principal
Glenda- A crossing guard

Frank sits at a desk in a principal's office. Glenda enters the principal's office in her crossing guard gear.

GLENDA: You wanted to see me, Mr. Frank?
FRANK: Glenda, please sit down.
GLENDA: All right.
FRANK: Glenda, you've been a faithful volunteer here at Shermer High School since, well, since I was going here. You have a great heart. You love the kids. You love the school.
GLENDA: Thank you. It's my pleasure to serve.
FRANK: That makes this all the more difficult for me. You see, the school board has received some complaints about you.
GLENDA: Have they?
FRANK: It seems that you've been voicing some opinions to the students that, well, have disrupted the harmony and the spirit here at Shermer.
GLENDA: What sort of comments?
FRANK: I think you know what I mean, Glenda. I think you know.
GLENDA: Is this about those two boys that I caught--
FRANK: Yes, Glenda, it is.
GLENDA: But Mr. Frank, what those boys were doing was wrong.
FRANK: According to whom, Glenda?
GLENDA: What do you mean, according to whom? What they were doing has always been against the rules.
FRANK: Times have changed, Glenda. The culture has evolved, and things we once considered to be taboo... well, they're becoming accepted.
GLENDA: But surely you don't want me to condone their behavior! It's dangerous! And the more other kids see them, the more others will try it. Where does it end?
FRANK: Glenda, this is not open for discussion. We've had a meeting with the school board, and their decision was unanimous. They want you to resign.
GLENDA: No! They can't remove me for this!
FRANK: They can, and they will, unless you are willing to go on the record with an apology to those boys, and a remission of the views you expressed to them and the other students on this matter.
GLENDA: I can't do that, Mr. Frank. You know as well as I do it's wrong.
FRANK: Look, off the record, I agree with you. But here in the hallowed halls of Shermer, I must adhere to the school policy regarding insensitive comments and tolerance.
GLENDA: Well, I guess that's it. I have to resign.
FRANK: Don't say that, Glenda. Take some time to think about it.
GLENDA: There's nothing think about. What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong. And I will not speak otherwise.
FRANK: Then I'm sorry, Glenda.
GLENDA: I can only pray those boys, and any others that follow them will be okay.
FRANK: Do whatever you want, Glenda. Just know that as long as those boys are students here at Shermer High School, they and others have the freedom to jaywalk and cross the street outside the properly marked crosswalks without fear of prejudice or reprisal.

Glenda walks out.

New Skit - King Solomon's Court

King Solomon's Court
By John Cosper
www.righteousinsanity.com

CHARACTERS
TV Announcer
King Solomon
Bill and Dwayne - Former business partners
Vic and Tina - Former married couple
Helen - A car owner
Butch - An auto repairman
Charlie and Howard - Former roommates

Court TV show theme music plays. Bill and Dwayne enter.

ANNOUNCER: This is Bill Cobb and Dwayne Jones. Cobb and Jones opened a lawn service in 2005 as a 50/50 partnership. Now the partners want to part ways, and both of them have laid claim to the company's only mower. These people are not actors. They are real litigants who have agreed to have their dispute settled in out forum: King Solomon's Court.

Solomon enters.

SOLOMON: Okay, gentlemen, I have read your complaint. Mr. Cobb, I understand you made the transaction to buy the mower.
BILL: Yes, sir.
SOLOMON: And Mr. Jones, you put in half the money and did all the mowing.
DWAYNE: I did.
SOLOMON: I've examined your financial records. Both of you put in half the money at the beginning of the partnership.
BILL: Correct.
SOLOMON: And I see you have equitably split all of the assets except this mower.
DWAYNE: That's right, your honor.
SOLOMON: It is the decision of this court that the mower will be cut in half, and you will both get half a mower.
DWAYNE: Wait! Your honor, don't do that. This isn't the mower's fault. Let Bill have it.
SOLOMON: In light of your heartfelt request, I hereby award the mower to Dwayne Jones.

Solomon bangs his gavel. Bill and Dwayne exit. Music plays. Vic and Tina enter.

ANNOUNCER: This is Vic and Tina Saccone. After ten years of marriage, they've agreed to divorce. But who gets the family poodle?
SOLOMON: Mr. Saccone, it says here you bought the poodle, alias Muffet, shortly after the marriage began.
VIC: I did.
SOLOMON: This court rules that the poodle will be cut in half, and half given to each litigant.
TINA: No! Not my little Muffet! He can have the poodle!
SOLOMON: Court awards custody to Tina Saccone.

Solomon bangs his gavel. Tina and Vic exit. Helen and Butch enter. Music plays.

ANNOUNCER: This is Butch Greer and Helen Buchanan. Helen took her car to the shop for a simple repair, and Butch charged her over $3000. When she refused to pay, he kept the car.
SOLOMON: Mrs. Buchanan, you claim the car is yours.
HELEN: Yes, sir. I have the pink slips here.
SOLOMON: Mr. Greer, you claimed possession based on her refusal to pay for repairs.
BUTCH: The car ain't worth two grand, y'honor.
SOLOMON: Court rules that the car will be cut in half and split between the two parties.
BUTCH: Aw, come on, y'honor. If that's the way you do things, give her the whole car.
SOLOMON: Court rules in favor of Mr. Greer.

Solomon bangs his gavel.

HELEN: That's not fair!
SOLOMON: Court finds Mrs. Buchanan is in contempt. If she resists arrest, cut her in half/

Butch and Helen exit. Music plays. Charlie and Howard enter.

ANNOUNCER: This is Charlie Brewer and Howard Wilson. The two rented an apartment in Brewer's name, but Wilson claims he paid all the rent.
SOLOMON: Mr. Brewer, I see the apartment is in your name.
CHARLIE: That's right, your honor. It's mine.
SOLOMON: And Mr. Wilson, I have your canceled checks for rent payments.
HOWARD: Yes, your honor.
SOLOMON: In light of the evidence, this court rules--

Solomon and the litigants freeze.

ANNOUNCER: How will King Solomon rule? Who will get the apartment? Find out when we return.

New, Free Father's Day Skit - Father Figure

For those of you planning ahead, a special freebie treat!

This skit came from a casual observation in an email to my wife. Ever notice that the "negative" Care Bears, Grumpy and Sleepy, are all guys?? I'm no conspiracy theorist; I just think it's funny. And it led to a nice little skit.

Father Figure
by John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Jan- A talk show host
Ron- A father
Audrey- A toy maker

Three chairs are on stage. Talk show music plays. Jan sits at center; Ron and Audrey are on either side of her.

JAN: Good morning. Today, do toys send the wrong messages to our kids about male roles in society? I have with me today Mr. Ron Simmons, President of the National Coalition for Fathers Who Think They Get a Bad Rap.
RON: Good morning.
JAN: And Audrey Wilson-Freen of the Kid Friendly Toy Company.
AUDREY: Pleasure to be here.
JAN: Mr. Simmons, we'll start with you. You believe that society has turned against fathers.
RON: Yes I do. Fathers have been under attack for a long time, in everything from academic studies to TV and movies to toys. Fathers are shown to be useless, lazy, and good for nothing.
JAN: And that's bad?
RON: Yes, it's bad! Fathers are an important part of a child's development.
AUDREY: Oh please! My Dad walked out when I was four. I was way better off without him.
JAN: Oh yeah! You go girlfriend!

Jan and Audrey high five.

RON: Look, I'll be the first to admit there are bad dads out there, but kids are better off with a father. And the toys produced by Kid Friendly are sending all the wrong messages.
JAN: Strong charges, Audrey. How does Kid Friendly respond?
AUDREY: Jan, Kid Friendly prides itself on promoting wholesome values, demonstrating the positive ways that young girls and boys can grow up to become productive members of society. For example, we have our popular line of bears known as the Love Bears, who teach positive values like caring, sharing, and friendship.
JAN: Ron?
RON: Yeah, Love Bears. This is just what I'm talking about. You have Caring Bear, Sharing Bear, Friend Bear, all these nice, sweet little bears. All of them girls. Then you have the boy bears. Prejudice Bear, Greedy Bear, Chews With His Mouth Open Bear, Belches in Public Bear, and Never Plays With His Kids Bear.
JAN: Audrey?
AUDREY: Yes, we felt that, in order to teach positive values, we also had to point out the negative values that children shouldn't learn.
RON: So how come all the negative bears are boys?
AUDREY: Please, when's the last time you saw a greedy woman, or a woman who belches in public?
JAN: Oh yeah, girlfriend! Preach on!

Audrey and Jan high five.

RON: Then there's the Happy Family Doll House set.
AUDREY: Ah yes, one of our best sellers.
RON: Yeah. You have this doll house that comes with with the house, the mom, and three kids with no father!
AUDREY: I'd like to respond to that. With the increase in single parent homes, we felt it was necessary to give children a doll house environment that spoke to where they were. And I might point out that we do have an extensive line of father figures, each sold separately.
RON: Yeah. Convict Daddy with ball and chain and prison toilet; Deadbeat Daddy with multiple ID's so he can avoid paying alimony; and Cheater Daddy, available with Floozy Girlfriend or Live-In Boyfriend.
AUDREY: And there are millions of children who can relate to each and every one of our daddy dolls.
JAN: Oh yeah! Up high! (high five) Around the world! (another five) Eat that, Ron!
RON: You see? This is what I'm talking about. The whole world is against Fathers.
AUDREY: Aw, Ron, there there. We have a toy for Dads like you too. (Pulls out a doll.) This is our new talking paranoid man action figure, the man threatened by his growing insignificance in society.

Audrey pulls a string on the back of the doll.

DOLL: Boo hoo hoo! My children don't need me!

Audrey pulls the string.

DOLL: Boo hoo hoo! I'm gonna die out just like the dinosaurs!

Audrey pulls the string.

DOLL: Boo hoo hoo! I'm going to the pokey because my alimony check bounced again!
JAN: That's so cute! Isn't that cute, Ron?

During this monologue, Audrey is touched deeply - and begins to tear up.

RON: Look, I don't know why you hate fathers so much. But you'd have to be a fool to say kids are better off without fathers. Sure, there are a lot of dead beat dads out there! But rather than turn the world against all fathers, shouldn't we be focusing on making every man realize how important it is to be a good dad? Wouldn't the kids be better off if we convinced Daddy to stick around instead of telling them that Daddys are all bad? Don't you think deep down, every kid wants to know their Daddy?
AUDREY: (having a break through) Yes!!

Audrey runs off.

JAN: Well, this has been an interesting conversation. When we come back from the break, are fathers more deadly than pit bulls?

For more Mother's Day and Father's Day skits, please visit Righteous Insanity's website.

New Skit: The Kingdom of God with Yoda, Gollum, and Dobby

The Kingdom of God with Yoda, Gollum, and Dobby
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Narrator
Yoda
Gollum
Dobby

NARR: What is the kingdom of God? The kingdom of God is like a treasure that a man discovered in the middle of a field. When he found it, he buried it again, then sold all he had so he could buy that land and possess the treasure.

Gollum enters with the Ring.

GOLLUM: Yesss, Smeagol has you now. I love you. I need you. My preciousssss.
NARR: That's kinda creepy. Can we get Gollum out of here?
GOLLUM: No! Please don't send Smeagol away! Smeagol be nice. And besideses, Smeagol and the Preciousss are such a good metaphor for the Kingdom of God. Smeagol, and Precioussss. My precioussss.
NARR: Okay then. The kingdom of God is like the precious.
GOLLUM: My preciousssss.
NARR: And for those who find the kingdom of God, the kingdom means freedom, liberation. The lame can walk, the blind can see, and the--

Dobby enters wailing, holding a sock.

NARR: And the house elf has been set free.
DOBBY: Look kind Narrator! Dobby has been given clothes. Dobby is free! (wails crying) Dobby is free Gollum!
GOLLUM: Stay away from the preciousssss.
NARR: So where is this kingdom of God? It's not as far as you might think. Sure, there's a real place called heaven, where the streets are paved with gold, but the kingdom of God isn't just for the future. It's right here, on Earth.

Yoda enters.

YODA: It surrounds us, penetrates us. You can feel it all around you, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.
NARR: Okay, this is getting a little old.
YODA: Look I so old to your eyes?
NARR: I didn't mean you, I mean--
YODA: When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not.
NARR: Actually in the kingdom of God, I never will grow old. We'll live forever with Christ.
GOLLUM: My precioussss.
NARR: Yes, that's right. The precioussss.
DOBBY: And we will be free.
NARR: And we will be home with the Lord.
YODA: Your father he is.
NARR: All right, scene's over.

The Narrator walks off.

YODA: Patience. You must learn patience!

New Skit for Kids - The Ten Commandments

A few years ago, a lady emailed me with one of the most unusual requests ever: she wanted 3-4 puppet ministry skits that would use a vampire puppet she had acquired. I wish I was still in touch with her, because this is far better and funnier than the ones I wrote back then.

Count Yorga and the 10 Commandments
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
John- A teacher
Count Yorga- A vampire puppet

JOHN: Good morning, kids! My name is John*, and this is my friend Count Yorga.
YORGA: Good evening.
JOHN: Actually, Count, it's morning.
YORGA: Yes, but to me, it's evening. You see I am nocturnal. I only come out at night, and when the sun comes up, I go to bed.
JOHN: You do know the sun has been up for several hours?
YORGA: It has??? What time is it?
JOHN: It's ten o'clock.
YORGA: Ten o'clock?? That's way past my bed time! Shh, don't tell my Mom and Dad.
JOHN: So I was hoping you could help me with a Bible lesson this morning.
YORGA: What lesson is that?
JOHN: We were just about to discuss the Ten Commandments.
YORGA: Ah yes, the Ten Commandments. Great movie.
JOHN: Not the movie. I mean the real Ten Commandments, the laws God gave us to live by.
YORGA: You mean the ones I have never broken?
JOHN: What do you mean, you've never broken them?
YORGA: I mean I'm perfect. I never broke God's law. Ever.
JOHN: Is that a fact?
YORGA: You want to test me, buddy?
JOHN: Okay then. Let's look at the Commandments then. Number one. You shall have no other God's before me.
YORGA: Before you? Ha ha ha! Whatever, man. Like I'd pray to you.
JOHN: I don't mean me. I mean God.
YORGA: But you just said we should have no other gods before you.
JOHN: I was quoting God, Count.
YORGA: Oh. Well, I can honestly say I have had no other gods before him.
JOHN: Very good.
YORGA: You on the other hand...
JOHN: All right, all right. Number two: you shall not make any idols. Ever break that one?
YORGA: Hmm. Does voting for American Idol count?
JOHN: Not if you didn't pray to them.
YORGA: I never prayed to Simon Cowell, even though he thinks he's God. So I think I'm good.
JOHN: All right. Number three: You should not use God's name in vain.
YORGA: Never did that. I don't swear at all.
JOHN: Really?
YORGA: Really, I never do!
JOHN: Would you swear to that fact?
YORGA: Yes I... ah, you almost got me!
JOHN: Guess I gotta get up pretty early in the morning to get you.
YORGA: In the morning? Try the night before, buddy.
JOHN: Number four: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
YORGA: Define Sabbath.
JOHN: That means the one day we set aside for church should be a day of rest.
YORGA: Oh that's easy.
JOHN: So you rest on the Sabbath?
YORGA: I rest every day. And then I party all night!
JOHN: Number five: honor your father and mother.
YORGA: No problem. I-- What did you say?
JOHN: Honor your father and mother.
YORGA: No really. What's it say?
JOHN: Honor your father and mother.
YORGA: That's really in there?
JOHN: Yes.
YORGA: Oh boy. I'm in big trouble.
JOHN: Count Yorga, do you mean you disobey your parents?
YORGA: Boy do I ever! They always tell me do the dishes. Pick up your room. Feed the dogs. I never do any of it.
JOHN: I thought you never broke any of the Ten Commandments.
YORGA: I didn't know that one was in there! I'm in trouble!!
JOHN: Number six: you shall not kill.
YORGA: Oh boy!
JOHN: What's the matter, Count?
YORGA: I'm a vampire! I have to kill to eat!
JOHN: Do you kill people?
YORGA: Yes, but only puppet people.
JOHN: Number seven: you shall not commit adultery.
YORGA: Adultery? Is that like a nursery for grown-ups?
JOHN: No, but it is something grown ups do.
YORGA: Well, I guess I’m safe there, considering I never grew up. All right. Coming back. Number eight?
JOHN: Number eight, you shall not steal.
YORGA: Oh boy.
JOHN: Count Yorga, you mean you steal?
YORGA: What do you expect? I'm a vampire! I rob the bank once a week.
JOHN: Which bank?
YORGA: The blood bank.
JOHN: You mean you don't have an account?
YORGA: They denied my credit.
JOHN: Number nine, you shall not lie.
YORGA: Oh boy!
JOHN: You lie too?
YORGA: Well, I lied about the Commandments, didn't I?
JOHN: Number ten: you shall not covet. Do you know what coveting is?
YORGA: It's when you desire, in your heart, to possess something that rightly belongs to someone else.
JOHN: Very good. Where did you learn that?
YORGA: It was a vocab word in little vampire school last week.
JOHN: So do you ever covet?
YORGA: Not really. Well, Frankenstein's monster has a really sweet iPod. And the Wolfman has a cool new car. And the Creature from the Black Lagoon is such a great swimmer, and I wish I could swim. And I am such a horrible sinner!
JOHN: Take it easy, Count Yorga. You're not the only one.
YORGA: I'm not?
JOHN: How many perfect people do you think there are?
YORGA: I don't know. I know you're not.
JOHN: Thanks.
YORGA: I'd say, twenty? Thirty?
JOHN: Count, there has only been one perfect person, God's only son Jesus.
YORGA: Really?
JOHN: The Bible tells us that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But thanks to Jesus, who died for our sins and was raised back to life, we don't have to spend eternity separated from God.
YORGA: Well, that makes me feel a whole lot better.
JOHN: I knew it would.
YORGA: Gotta make you feel better too, right? You big sinner.
JOHN: So what have we learned today?
YORGA: Well, from the sound of those Ten Commandments, God expects a lot out of us, more than we could ever do on our own. So he sent Jesus to pay the price for our sins.
JOHN: That's right. And as God's children, should we give up on the Ten Commandments?
YORGA: Yes.
JOHN: No.
YORGA: Why not?
JOHN: Because living by the Ten Commandments will make this a better world. They're all about teaching us to love God and love others. So if we want other people to know Jesus...
YORGA: We should live the way he would and show how good he is.
JOHN: Exactly.
YORGA: So I should probably be nicer to my Mom and Dad, huh?
JOHN: You better.
YORGA: Which means I better go. My bed time was three hours ago!
JOHN: Say good night, Yorga.
YORGA: Good morning!

New Skit on Business Ethics & Integrity

I know, it's a dull header, but it gets to the point. I got a little disillusioned today with some of our traditional American business practices, like passing the buck, denying responsibility, and inventing loopholes to avoid doing the right thing. It's an okay skit, but I think okay can be hilarious if you have an actor play the king who can do a Christopher Walken impression.

Just Business: A Fairy Tale
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Narrator
The King
The Princess
The Prince
The Prince's Servant

The Narrator is on stage with a storybook. The King and the Princess enter. The King sits on a throne.

NARR: Once upon a time, there was a king who had a beautiful daughter. Men from all around the world sent proposals of marriage to the king, but the king said:
KING: Whoever would marry my daughter must perform three impossible tasks. First, they must swim across the King's River alone through shark infested waters. Second, they must bring me a vial of cool water from the Lake of the Abominable Snow Man, water so cool it chills you to the bone. And third, they must bring me a scale from the hide of the great dragon Gillrog.
NARR: The king knew these tasks to be impossible, hence the name, three impossible tasks. But the King, who did want grandchildren one day, assured each man that undertook these mighty tasks:
KING: It's nothing personal. It's just business.
NARR: Men from around the world tried to swim the River. All were eaten by sharks. Some men chose to start in the middle and visit the Lake of the Abominable Snow Man. All of them were eaten. And a few brave souls attempted to visit the mighty dragon Gillrog. They, too, were eaten. Until one day...

Trumpets winded within. The Prince enters with his Servant.

PRINCE: Hail, mighty king! I have come to claim my bride!
KING: Welcome, young prince. I hate to tell you this, but any man who wants to win my daughter has got to perform three impossible tasks.
PRINCE: But I have, o King! I have performed each task as it is written, and am come to claim my prize.
KING: Really? Can you prove this?
PRINCE: Happy to, your majesty. First, I journeyed to the King's River, a treacherous body infested with sharks. I jumped in at Merlin's Bluff, and swam across to the Beach of Arthur.
KING: The Beach of Arthur?
PRINCE: Yes, your majesty.
KING: That doesn't count.
PRINCE: Why not? Is not the passage from Merlin's Bluff to the Beach of Arthur part of the King's River?
KING: Yeah, but there's no sharks there.
PRINCE: What?
KING: My orders were to swim the river through shark-infested waters. There's no sharks there. Doesn't count.
PRINCE: But I swam the river! I beat you at your own game.
KING: No, no, no. You did not. You gotta do it again. It's not personal, it's just business.
PRINCE: Very well. But I still bear proof that I have completed the other two tasks.
KING: Proceed.

The Servant hands the Prince a vial of water.

PRINCE: You, O King, decreed that the man worthy of your daughter would bring back water from the Lake of the Abominable Snow Man. Behold! A vial of the water from that cold, cold lake.
KING: Let me see that.

The King takes the vial.

KING: Oh come on. This can't be water from the lake.
PRINCE: It is!
KING: It's not cold! I asked for the water that chills you to the bone.
PRINCE: Your majesty, the Lake of the Abominable Snow Man lies on the opposite end of the Blazing Desert! How was I supposed to keep such cold water at such a chilly temperature?
KING: That's why they call it an impossible task. You'll have to do it over.
PRINCE: But--
KING: It's nothing personal, it's just business.
PRINCE: Very well, but the hardest, and most impossible of the three tasks is indeed complete.

The Servant hands the Prince a dragon scale.

PRINCE: Behold! A scale from the back of the dragon Gillrog.
KING: I'll be the judge of that.

The King takes the scale.

PRINCE: Well?
KING: This is not the dragon's scale.
PRINCE: Yes it is!
KING: No it's not.
PRINCE: I took it from his hide myself!
KING: You picked this up on the ground somewhere. Gillrog's an orange dragon. This scale is burnt siena.
PRINCE: Burnt Siena?
KING: Sorry, kid, it's not personal, it's just business.
NARR: The Prince was sad. He had worked so hard to win the princess, only to discover the king to be a ruthless man who never kept his word. So the Prince drew his sword and stabbed the king.

The Prince stabs the King.

KING: This... isn't... right...

The King falls dead. The Prince grabs the Princess.

PRINCE: Sorry, King. It's nothing personal. It's just business.

New Skit: For the Christmas/Easter Folks

A bit of a tongue-in-cheek quickie for Christmas and Easter. Be sure to temper this with love.

Blending In
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Jack & Jill – Church members

JACK: Good morning, and Happy Easter! We’re so glad to see so many of you here this morning, and we’d like to say an extra big hello to all of you out there who only come twice a year.
JILL: Hello! We know you’re here, and we’re glad to have you.
JACK: That’s right. We’re not fools here. We know a lot of you think that Christmas and Easter are enough for you and God. And we also know you probably don’t want to be singled out for your twice a year habit.
JILL: Too bad.
JACK: Yeah, try as you might, most of you stick out like a sore thumb. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Next holiday, you can blend in like a regular member.
JILL: So grab a pen and the back of your bulletin and jot down the top five tips for looking less like a Christmas and Easter Christian.
JACK: Number five: Dress down. When you come into church with a suit, or ladies with a hat and a corsage—
JILL: Busted!
JACK: If you’re gonna dress up like that, you might as well right “Christmas and Easter Christian” in red letters on your forehead. Better to slob out and blend like the rest of us.
JILL: Number four: Be proactive during the greeting time.
JACK: That’s right don’t be a wallflower. You grab the hand, and you be the one putting the other guy on the spot.
JILL: Hey! How are you? Nice to see you! Haven’t seen you here since last Christmas!
JACK: Number three: bring your offering in a tiny envelope. Because the tiny envelope says three simple words:
JILL: I belong here!
JACK: A tiny envelope will help you blend, but remember – if you want to get that tax break at the end of the year, you better join the church and get real ones.
JILL: Number two: critique the service loudly, making comments like:
JACK: I thought the band was on this week!
JILL: I sure like the songs we’ve sung the last few weeks.
JACK: Didn’t you think the sermon was better last week?
JILL: Hey, I think pastor got a haircut!
JACK: And the number one way to blend in with the other regular church attendees: come back next week.
JILL: And the next.
JACK: And the week after that!
JACK: We don’t bite.
JILL: We promise not to embarrass you every week.
JACK: And remember: tiny envelopes equal tax deductions every April!
JILL: Thanks for coming!

New Skit - Chicken L-l-l-l-little

Chicken L-l-l-little
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Chicken Little - A stuttering chick
Patty, Polly, Peggy - Hens
Rex Rooster - An eloquent speaker
The Narrator

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Although inspired by current events (with a little help from Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and William Shakespeare, this script is in no way intended to be a statement about any political candidate or party and should not be used as such. I merely wish to pose a question we should all ask in regards to politicians, pastors, teachers, and anyone who claims to speak with authority. What's more important: the words that are spoken, or the manner in which they are spoken?

The Narrator enters.

NARR: Once upon a time, there was a little chicken who knew the truth.

Polly and Patty are on stage. Chicken Little enters. He speaks with a terrible stammer.

LITTLE: L-l-l-l-l-l-ladies! L-l-l-l-l-l-listen to me!
POLLY: Hey, Patty, l-l-l-look, it's Chicken L-l-l-little.

Polly and Patty laugh.

LITTLE: L-l-l-l-listen, l-l-l-adies! The sky is f-f-f-f-falling!
POLLY: The what?
LITTLE: The s-s-s-s-sky is f-f-f-falling.
PATTY: What did he say?
POLLY: I believe he said the sky is falling.
PATTY: Is it really?
LITTLE: A p-p-p-p-piece of it hit me on the h-h-h-h-head! L-l-l-look!

He shows them a fallen, broken ceiling tile.

PATTY: Well what do you think?
POLLY: Well, it certainly looks like the sky.
PATTY: If this is true, then everyone must know! We have to act fast!

Peggy enters. Patty and Polly speak to her, making soft clucking sounds under the narration.

NARR: So word began to spread, and people began to hear the truth.
PEGGY: Are you sure?
PATTY: A piece of it fell on him!
POLLY: We saw it with our own eyes?
PEGGY: But how can we trust him? He's just a little guy! And he has that terrible stammer.
POLLY: Yes, he does stutter.
PATTY: But does that mean he is not telling the truth?

Rex Rooster enters.

REX: Ladies, ladies, do not fear!
PATTY: Why look, it's that handsome Rex Rooster!
REX: Pay no attention to that stuttering chick! For I have a great speaking voice, and a charismatic style. I speak eloquently, and do not fumble my words. See how easily I pronounce words like smokescreen.
HENS: Ooooh!
REX: Misdirection.
HENS: Ahhh!
REX: Song and dance!
HENS: Ohhh!
LITTLE: But the sk-sk-sk-sk-sky is f-f-f-f-f
REX: My friends, who would you rather believe? The stammerings of a little chick? Or the big, booming voice of a rooster like me?
PEGGY: He has such a nice voice.
NARR: He did have a nice voice. But Rex Rooster was more than just a great speaker. He was also legally blind.

A loud sound of shattering glass makes the Hens jump and cluck.

PATTY: What was that?
LITTLE: The sky! The sk-sk-sk-sky is f-f-f-falling!
REX: Poppycock! The sky is not falling!
POLLY: It sure sounds like it!
REX: Do you hear it in the tone of my voice? My dulcet, soothing tones?
POLLY: Well, no.
PEGGY: But that did look like a piece of the sky.
REX: My friends, I have had my eyes to the heavens, and I see no evidence that we should be worried.
NARR: He saw no evidence, because he was legally blind.

Another crash.

LITTLE: It's f-f-f-falling! W-w-w-we're all g-g-g-gonna d-d-d-d-die!

The Hens cluck in fear.

REX: Ladies, do not listen any more to this fear-mongering! Listen to the way words roll trippingly off my tongue, for I am as silver-tonged a speaker as you will ever see. My words sound better. They are spoken with confidence.
POLLY: But are they true?
PEGGY: They sound true.
PATTY: But I saw a piece of the sky fall!
REX: And I tell you I see no evidence the sky is falling.
NARR: He saw no evidence, because he was legally blind.
PATTY: Well, I guess we should follow Rex Rooster then.
PEGGY: His word is good enough for me.
POLLY: He has such a nice voice.
PATTY: And he sounds so intelligent.

The Hens exit. Rex starts to exit, headed toward the Narrator.

NARR: He sounded intelligent, and his words were smooth as silk. But Rex Rooster was legally blind.

Rex bumps into the Narrator.

REX: Sorry.
NARR: Don't mention it.
REX: Could you give me a little push?

The Narrator aims Rex, who wanders off stage.

NARR: And so the chickens followed Rex, and the perished when the sky fell on their heads.

Another loud crash. The Hens cluck in pain off stage.

NARR: All except Chicken Little.
LITTLE: W-w-w-w-what a bunch of duh-duh-duh-duh-dummies.

Easter Skit Preview - I Don't Wanna Dye!

This is my wife's favorite skit. A few folks have purchased this one from my website for this year, but I thought posting it here might get a few more to take a look. The video version is available (with better sound quality) on the Righteous Insanity DVD Holy Shorts. The script is available for individual purchase or as part of the Righteous Insanity Easter Collection.