Righteous Insanity

Free Skit Monday - A Den of Political Lions

Fun, different spin on the tale of Daniel and the Lions den with a tie-in to American history and our freedom of religion. (That's religion, not worship.) Enjoy. 

A Den of Political Lions

www.righteousinsanity.com

By John Cosper

 

CHARACTERS

Johnson - A guard/ lion keeper

Leo and Connie - Lions (puppets of actors in costume)

 

A desk with a phone is on stage right. Johnson is sitting at the desk, dressed in either Biblical era armor or a modern zookeeper type uniform. If you are using puppets, the puppet stage is stage right with a sign on front that says: DANGER: LIONS. If you are using actors, have a barrier, fence or cage bars running from downstage to upstage, dividing the stage in half.

 

JOHNSON: Lion's Den, Johnson speaking... No, sir, I was just about to feed them... Oh really?... What's the name?... Sentence?... Really? Interesting. What time will he be here?... Well, they won't be happy about it, but I'll tell them... You know they don't like these last minute deals... Yes, sir, I understand. We'll do as the king asks.

 

Johnson hangs up. He walks over to the barrier. Leo and Connie enter.

 

LEO: Johnson!

JOHNSON: Hey, good morning, Leo.

LEO: Hey, do a lion a favor, toss me some bacon.

JOHNSON: Sorry, Leo, that was the general. You guys have an execution tonight, so no breakfast.

CONNIE: What? When did this happen?

JOHNSON: Just now. They arrested him this morning, and they want you good and hungry.

CONNIE: But we're hungry now!

LEO: You know, I don't mind the fasting thing, Johnson, but a little warning would be nice.

JOHNSON: I know, but it's the king's order, so we have to do as he asks.

CONNIE: Hey, Johnson, who is it? It's not another petty thief is it?

LEO: If it is, we better get some chicken on the side. There's no meat on those guys.

JOHNSON: Actually, it's the king's number two man.

CONNIE: Oooh, a politician! He oughta be plump and juicy.

LEO: What did he do? Assassination plot? Stealing from the treasury?

JOHNSON: He prayed to his own God.

CONNIE: That's it?

LEO: Well what's wrong with that?

JOHNSON: The king issued an order that for a month, no one can pray to any god other than the king himself. This guy is one of those Hebrews, and he got caught praying to his own God.

CONNIE: Wow. I know it's none of my business, but that just doesn't sound right.

JOHNSON: Right or wrong, the king's command is law here in Persia. You know that.

CONNIE: I know, I know. But people should have the right to... how should I put this? Freedom of religion?

LEO: Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying. Like there ought to be a place where church and state are separate, and the state has no right to come in and tell people how to practice their faith.

CONNIE: Yes! And that right would be guaranteed in writing in a document... a Constitution, you know?

LEO: Boy, think of it, a place where people would be free to pray how they like, worship how they like. And no one would get thrown to the lions because of their religious faith.

 

Pause, as these thoughts sink in. Connie and Leo look at each other.

 

CONNIE: I dunno, Leo, I kinda want to eat.

LEO: Me too. But it would still be nice for the people.

CONNIE: Oh it would be wonderful.

LEO: Do you think there is such a place?

JOHNSON: No place I've heard. But maybe one day there will be.

LEO: Yeah. A land where all men are created equal, and the people are free to worship God in their own way. And we would call it... Taco Bell.

CONNIE: Taco Bell? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

LEO: I'm a lion, not a political scientist! What do you expect?

 

Another school, another town, another community asking why

My heart went out to the students and families of Chardon High School. I heard about it from a text from an acquaintance who is from that area originally. It seems like so long since we had one of these incidents. We'd almost forgotten about Paducah, Columbine, and so many more. And yet here it comes around again. The boy looks like all the others we saw before - quiet, reserved, with warning signs no one really heeded. 

I wrote "The Waiting Room" in the wake of Columbine, and toured it with Youth for Christ Louisville. I wish that it was no longer relevant. It's the story of seven kids and the boy who shot them in the school halls coming face to face. It's message has nothing to do with video games or goth music or guns. It's love. If kids could learn to love each other, especially the "forgotten," maybe we could prevent the next tragedy - murder, suicide, whatever form it might try to take. 

It's been revised (about a year ago) to update the language and dialogue a bit. Feel free to update some more as you so choose - if you choose to use it. 

This script is free, and always will be, so long as it's needed. 

Download The Waiting Room by clicking here. 

Free Skit Monday - A New Model Dad

New skit for Dad's and Father's Day to go with last week's treat for mom. 

 

A New Model Dad

www.righteousinsanity.com

by John Cosper

 

CHARACTERS

Amy- A girl looking for a new dad

Dad- Amy’s Dad

Jeff- Used Dad Salesman

Otto- German Fascist Dad

Buck- Sports loving Dad

Howard- Too busy Dad

 

[Director’s Note: To reduce cast size, you can have one actor do minor costume changes and play Otto, Buck, and Howard.]

 

Jeff is at stage left seated behind a desk with his feet up, reading a paper.  Amy rolls her Dad on stage in a cushy chair. Dad wears a T-shirt, shorts, black socks, and a gut. He is also fast asleep. Jeff sees Amy and sits up.

 

JEFF- Can I help you?

AMY- Yes. I’d like to trade in our dad.

JEFF- Then you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to Crazy Larry’s Used Dad Lot. So, where is the old man?

AMY- Asleep in his chair...like always!

JEFF- (jolts when he sees Dad) I’ve seen worse. But don’t despair. Whatever you’re looking for in a father, Crazy Larry’s is bound to have it. Now, exactly what kind of features were you looking for? Something more sporty? Energetic?

AMY- Clean?

JEFF- Ah! I have just the man for you. (calls off) Otto!

 

Otto marches on military style.

 

OTTO- Achtung!  Getten zee in a line! Macht schnell!

 

Amy stands at attention, nervous.

 

OTTO- Vut are you do-ink? You schould be home do-ink home-vurk!

AMY- But it’s Saturday!

OTTO- Zen you schould be do-ink chorz! If I am to be your Fa-ter, you vill haff to schape up! From now on, ven you get home from school, you do homevurk. Zen, you do chorz. At 5:30, you eat supper. Late comers do not get fruit cup. Six o’clock, dishes. Six thirty, shower. Seven o’clock, bedtime!

AMY- Seven o’clock bedtime?

OTTO- Right after butterfly kisses.

AMY- (walks to Jeff) I don’t think this one’s going to work out.

 

Otto exits.

 

JEFF- What’s the matter? Not what you had in mind?

AMY- Not exactly. My old dad made me do homework and chores, but he knew how to have fun too.

JEFF- I see. Perhaps a more fun-loving father then? Someone with a big heart who likes to be involved in your life.

AMY- Yeah. And one who enjoys sports.

JEFF- I have just the Dad you’re looking for.

 

Buck runs on.

 

BUCK- Hey, hey, how ya doin’ there, sport? You ready for some fun and excitement with dear old dad?

AMY- Yeah!

BUCK- Well that’s just what we’re gonna do! Starting tomorrow, you’re signing up for ice hockey.

AMY- Ice hockey?

BUCK- That’s right! Nothing builds character and a sound mind like a little blood on the ice!

AMY- But I’m a soccer player.

BUCK- Soccer! Soccer? Only weenies play soccer!

AMY- What did you say?

BUCK- I said soccer is for weenies!

AMY- (to Jeff) Okay, get him out before I have to hurt him.

 

Buck exits.

 

JEFF- But I thought you wanted an active Dad.

AMY- I do. But I want a dad who will let me be me, not what he wants me to be.

JEFF- I see. So you want someone who is supportive, but not so heavily involved. What about this one? 

 

Howard enters.

 

HOWARD- Hey there, Buffy.

AMY- It’s Amy.

HOWARD- Whatever. I just want you to know that as your dad, I’ll be proud of you no matter what you want to do. And whenever life gives you lemons, I’ll be right there to help you turn them into lemonade. (cell phone rings) Just a minute. (answer phone) Hello?...We did? The Asher account?...I’m on my way. (hang up) Gotta run, guys. I’ve got a five-thirty meeting in L.A. (pulls out a ten dollar bill and hands it to Amy) Here. Go to the mall and get yourself something cool.

AMY- But can we just--

HOWARD- Sorry, Doris, gotta run! (runs off, yells) Don’t forget to feed the dog!

AMY- (stunned) We don’t even have a dog

JEFF- What do you think? He’ll let you be you, and he has a big six figure salary!

AMY- My dad never had that. But he was there for me. And he always listened.

JEFF- (shrugs) Well, I’m afraid you’ve put me in an awkward spot. I’ve already shown you all the Dads I have on the lot. The only one left is--

AMY- The only one I need!

 

Amy runs to their Dad.

 

AMY- Dad?

 

Amy holds Dad’s nose. Dad snorts and wakes up.

 

DAD- What the-- What the heck did you do with my TV?
AMY- I love you, Daddy!

 

Amy hugs Dad.

 

DAD- What the heck did you do with my real daughter?

Free Skit Monday - Even Bad Guys Love Their Moms

I revisited some old friends this week - Dr. Insidious and Everyman from the Morbidman series. It was like I never quit writing for them, it came so natural. This skit's a little wordy than it probably needs to be, but I love these characters and never seem to run short of things for them to say. Here's a little something for Mother's Day or any other occasion you find to celebrate Mom. 

Even Bad Guys Love Their Moms

A Righteous Insanity Morbidverse Skit

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com/morbidman

 

CHARACTERS

A Narrator

Everyman – An average super hero

Dr. Insidious – A really bad guy

 

NARR: In times of crisis, in times of need, there is one man who will always be there to stand up for truth, justice, and a other good stuff. He is the hero for the common man! He is... Everyman!

 

Everyman enters. He wears a three piece suit and a mask. He strikes a super hero pose.

 

NARR: Everyman is not the fastest super hero.

EVERYMAN: No, I am not!

NARR: He's not the strongest super hero.

EVERYMAN: No, I am not!

NARR: He's not the brightest guy either.

EVERYMAN: I what?

NARR: And he's definitely not the best looking.

EVERYMAN: Oh come on!

NARR: But if evil doers are up to no good, you can be sure Everyman will be there.

EVERYMAN: That's right!

NARR: Probably getting beat up.

EVERYMAN: Now that's just being mean!

 

Dr. Insidious enters with flowers, laughing an evil laugh.

 

EVERYMAN: Well, well, well, if it isn't Dr. Insidious.

INSIDIOUS: Everyman! What are you doing here?

EVERYMAN: I'm here in this supermarket to stop you from committing crime. And to grab a box of Wheaties.

INSIDIOUS: Bleccch! You actually eat that stuff?

EVERYMAN: It's not so bad with bananas, and it gives me the energy I need to bring you to justice.

INSIDIOUS: Keep your mask on, Everyman, I'm not up to no good today.

EVERYMAN: Oh no? Looks to me like you're stealing flowers!

INSIDIOUS: I'm not stealing flowers!

EVERYMAN: You steal everything, you.... you stealer! Remember when you stole the Picasso from the museum?

INSIDIOUS: I was borrowing it for a party.

EVERYMAN: And the Mustang from Tom's Ford?

INSIDIOUS: I took it for a test drive and forgot it wasn't mine.

EVERYMAN: And the time you stole second base?

INSIDIOUS: I was playing softball, you nit wit!

EVERYMAN: I think I proved my point. Now put down those flowers and let's go to jail.

INSIDIOUS: Like I said, Everyman, I'm not stealing flowers. (pulls out a credit card) See? I have my credit card today.

EVERYMAN: Evil Express Card? Member since 1999?

INSIDIOUS: Don't leave home without it.

EVERYMAN: I don't understand. Why would you, the most evil man in all the world, buy flowers?

INSIDIOUS: Because it's Mother's Day!

EVERYMAN: It is?

INSIDIOUS: Good heavens, don't you know your holidays?

EVERYMAN: Crime has no holiday, and neither do I.

INSIDIOUS: I got news for you, Everyman, everybody takes a holiday for Mother's Day. The Joker, Lex Luthor. Even Darth Vader gets all weepy when you bring up his Mommy!

EVERYMAN: But why?

INSIDIOUS: Because Mothers made us who we are! They gave birth to us, they taught us to walk and eat and talk, they taught us right and wrong. Of course, heh, my mother taught me more wrong than right.

EVERYMAN: I can tell.

INSIDIOUS: I owe a lot to my Momma. And you owe a lot to yours. You did get YOUR mother something, didn't you?

EVERYMAN: Well, actually, now that you mention it I...

INSIDIOUS: You didn't???

EVERYMAN: I've been busy lately. There's a lot of crime, and I...

INSIDIOUS: I can't believe it! You didn't get anything for your mother?

EVERYMAN: Like i said, I..

INSIDIOUS: Hold on, hold on. (pulls out his evil cell phone and dials) Hey, Mom? You know that guy Everyman? He didn't get his Mom anything for Mother's Day... I know! And people say I'm evil, right?... Sure, he's right here.

 

Dr. Insidious hands Everyman the phone.

 

INSIDIOUS: She wants to talk to you.

 

Everyman takes the phone.

 

EVERYMAN: Hello?... (Everyman tries to cut in, but Momma Insidious gives him an ear full) But... But I... But... But listen... But... But... Yes, ma'am... Yes, I know she did... Yes, yes, I will... Okay.

 

Everyman hands the phone back to Dr. Insidious.

 

INSIDIOUS: Hi, Mommy, gotta go... I love you too, Mom.

EVERYMAN: Guess I better get some flowers.

INSIDIOUS: You owe it to her. Moms are special people. They deserve the best.

EVERYMAN: Yes, they are.

INSIDIOUS: Today, flowers. Tomorrow, the WORLD!

 

Evil laugh.

 

EVERYMAN: You what?

INSIDIOUS: (covering himself, and his evil plan) I mean... Cookies. Tomorrow, I'll give her cookies. Come on, let's find some flowers for your Mom.

Free Skit Day: If It Feels Good

This is one of my all time favorite skits. It's also one that nearly cost us a big ministry opportunity. We performed this on stage at a large high school convention in Cincinnati as part of a skit show. The adults in the crowd hated us, wanted us yanked off the stage and tossed out the door. In retrospect, maybe we should have prefaced this with an introduction stating that the skit contained SARCASM and was not intended to be taken literally. Or maybe we could have just said, "If you don't get the message, ask a kid to explain it to you."

 

"If It Feels Good" is one of a number of RI skits featured on www.sundayschooldropouts.com. Enjoy.

 

Click to open the script "If It Feels Good"

Free Skit Monday: The Eviction

A little too "pentecostal" for my normal taste, but believe it or not it was inspired by a scripture and homily spoken in a Catholic church. Great depiction of a Bible scene with humor and drama. 

 

The Eviction

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Rotten, Sleazy, Filthy – Demons

Hector and Donna – Possessed people

Jesus (voice only)

 

Hector enters with Rotten hanging on his back. Donna enters with Sleazy on her back. The demons may either be actually riding piggy back on the actors or just hanging on with their hands or chains. Hector and Donna are downtrodden, sad. They stand somberly, as if they were zombies.

 

ROTTEN: Heh heh, hey, Sleazy, how’s it going?

SLEAZY: Rotten, you old devil, what have you been up to?

ROTTEN: Same as always. Tempting, possessing, running amock!

SLEAZY: Me too, man!

ROTTEN: Isn’t it great, possessing humans?

SLEAZY: Oh it’s the best, man! I love it!

ROTTEN: Hey, you know what does stink about possessing a human?

SLEAZY: What’s that?

ROTTEN: Nothing! Ha ha ha!

 

Filthy runs on, screaming.

 

FILTHY: Help! Help! I need help!

SLEAZY: Filthy? What are you doing here?

FILTHY: I need somewhere to hide! You got room in there?

ROTTEN: Sure, hop on!

 

Filthy grabs on to Hector.

 

FILTHY: Thanks, pal, I owe you one.

ROTTEN: Say what are you doing on this side of town? Weren’t you working that fortune telling girl.

FILTHY: I’m in trouble. I am in so much trouble!

SLEAZY: What’s the matter with you? You look as if you’ve seen an angel.

FILTHY: No, man, this was no angel! Not at all!

ROTTEN: Who was it?

FILTHY: It was HIM!

ROTTEN: Jim?

FILTHY: Not Jim! Him!

SLEAZY: Him who?

FILTHY: What do you mean, him who? It was HIM I tell you, in the living flesh!

ROTTEN: Him who?

FILTHY: The guy we all know who he is but we can’t say his name because it makes us shudder!

 

Rotten and Sleazy gasp.

 

SLEAZY: Not him!

FILTHY: Yes, Him!

ROTTEN: Are you sure it was him?

FILTHY: Of course I’m sure! You think I would have come out of that girl for anyone else? This was no do gooder priest or phony prophet! This was Him, man. How do you say no to him?

SLEAZY: You can’t!

ROTTEN: What’s he doing here?

FILTHY: I don’t know!

ROTTEN: Why is he here?

FILTHY: I don’t know!

SLEAZY: We gotta get out of here! We gotta get these two to cover before he—

JESUS: (voice over) Silence!!!!

 

The demons shriek in terror, looking out over the audience as if they’ve seen Jesus.

 

SLEAZY: What do you want with us, Son of the Most High?

ROTTEN: We know who you are!

JESUS: I said be quiet!

FILTHY: Do not send us into the abyss! We beg you!

JESUS: Come out of them! NOW!

 

The demons scream and run away. Hector and Donna drop to their knees. The two shake their heads, stand, as if waking from a stupor. Donna looks up at Jesus. She nudges Hector on the arm and points to Jesus.

 

JESUS: It’s safe now. They won’t bother you any more. Go, and leave your life of sin.

 

Fade to black. 

 

Free Skit Monday - April Fools

A little something for Wrestlemania Sunday this year. Not really a point, but sometimes its nice just to open with a good laugh. 

 

April Fools

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Jeff – A guy in love

Dave – Jeff’s wise friend

April – A pretty blonde with blue eyes 

 

Jeff enters, dressed very nicely. He's carrying a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. He sits at a table on stage. Dave enters. He starts to pass, but then stops when he sees Jeff.

 

DAVE: Jeff? Jeff Miller?

JEFF: Oh hey, Dave.

DAVE: I almost didn't recognize you.

JEFF: Really?

DAVE: I'm used to seeing you in a T-shirt and jeans. Are you going to a wedding or something?

JEFF: I don't know, maybe.

DAVE: Maybe?

JEFF: I'm meeting someone.

DAVE: You are?

JEFF: Yeah.

DAVE: You mean like a girl?

JEFF: Yeah.

DAVE: I didn't know you had a girlfriend.

JEFF: I don't. At least, I don't right now, but maybe if things go well.

DAVE: Is she pretty?

JEFF: Oh yes! She's very pretty. She has blonde hair and blue eyes.

DAVE: Wow.

JEFF: She's so cool too. She likes football and basketball and baseball.

DAVE: Get out!

JEFF: She also likes Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

DAVE: Come on, really?

JEFF: Yes, really.

DAVE: She sounds like the perfect woman.

JEFF: I know! I can't wait to meet her.

DAVE: What's her name?

JEFF: April.

DAVE: April what?

JEFF: April Fools.

 

Dave looks at the audience, then at Jeff.

 

DAVE: April Fools?

JEFF: Yes.

DAVE: Are you joking with me? Is this a prank?

JEFF: Why do you think this is a prank?

DAVE: Come on, Jeff. April Fools? You think I'm going to fall for that?

JEFF: Fall for what? I'm not joking.

DAVE: Jeff, if you're not joking, someone else is.

JEFF: What do you mean?

DAVE: Come on, Jeff, April Fools? A blonde haired, blue eyed girl who loves Star Wars and football and basketball and baseball? No woman is that perfect!

JEFF: April is!

DAVE: April FOOLS?

JEFF: Yes, she... Oh my goodness... Oh my goodness, do you think--

DAVE: Yes! Someone's playing a trick on you!

JEFF: I can't beleive it. Oh, I feel like such a... such a...

DAVE: A fool?

JEFF: Yes.

DAVE: I'm so sorry, Jeff. I really hate to hurt you like this.

JEFF: No, no, it's not your fault. I'm the one who fell for it. April Fools. How could I be so foolish?

 

Jeff stands up, leaving the flowers and candy on the table.

 

DAVE: Hey, don't feel bad, man. Let me buy you some lunch or something.

JEFF: Look, I just had my heart broken. I think I'd like to be alone for a while.

 

Jeff walks away slowly. Dave picks up the candy. April enters.

 

APRIL: Hi there.

DAVE: Well, hello.

APRIL: You must be Jeff.

DAVE: Jeff who?

APRIL: Jeff Miller?

DAVE: No he was just... who are you?

APRIL: I'm April.

DAVE: April?

APRIL: April Fools.

DAVE: (does a double take) You're April... April Fools????

APRIL: Yes.

DAVE: (yells off) Jeff! Hey, Jeff, get back here!

 

Dave runs away. Jeff sneaks on the other side of the stage. April turns to him.

 

JEFF: Did he fall for it?

APRIL: Oh yeah!

 

They high five and exit.

 

Free Skit Monday - The Old Testament Price Is Right

Looking for a really deep, moving drama? Yeah, this isn't for you. 

 

The Old Testament Price Is Right

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

An historian

An announcer

Ezekiel, Dorcas, Hezekiah, Martha – Game show contestants

Malachi – A game show host

 

The historian walks on stage.

 

HISTORIAN: Until only recently, it was widely believed that game shows were an invention of the 20^th century. But archaeologists, working in conjunction with Biblical scholars, have now confirmed that game shows first gained popularity around the same time Jesus walked the Earth. It’s true. And tonight, we’re going to give you a peek at what a game show looked like during Jesus’ time. And to really help you feel like you’re there, we’re going to do it in the King James Version. Enjoy. 

 

The historian exits. Play the Price is Right theme.

 

ANNOUNCER- It's time once again for Jerusalem’s most favorite game show! Ezekiel, come on down!

 

Ezekiel runs down the aisle.

 

ANNOUNCER- Dorcas Baker, come on down!

 

Dorcas runs down front.

 

ANNOUNCER- Hezekiah Daniels, come on down!

 

Hezekiah runs down front.

 

ANNOUNCER- And Martha Berry, come on down! Thou art the first four contestants on the Price Is Right!

 

Crowd cheers even louder.

 

ANNOUNCER- And now, here is thine host of the Amish Price Is Right, Malachiiiiiiiiii Barker!

 

Malachi enters.

 

MALACHI- Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the Amish Price Is Right. Contestants, please direct thine eyes to see what my Modest Young Daughters are bringing out for bids.

ANNOUNCER- It's a new wine skin!

 

A model – dressed in the same Biblical attire as the others - enters with the butter churn. Audience "Oooos."

 

ANNOUNCER- From wine skins of Nazareth comes this handsome new wine skin, ideal for storing new wine and attractive enough to serve at thy next party. Malachi?

MALACHI- Ezekiel, what doest thou bid for this wine skin?

EZEKIEL- Two… no three bottles of olive oil. 

MALACHI- Three bottles of olive oil. Dorcas?

DORCAS- Four loaves and one fish, Malachi.

MALACHI- Four loaves and one fish. Hezekiah?

 

Hezekiah hesitates, listening to the audience.

 

MALACHI- Bid thou, Hezekiah!

HEZEKIAH- Eight bags of grain!

MALACHI- Eight bags of grain. Martha?

MARTHA- One sow!

MALACHI- One sow. Actual price is…

 

Malachi unrolls and reads a small scroll.

 

MALACHI - One a half sows! Martha, thou art a winner!

 

Chimes ding, the crowd cheers, and Martha runs on stage.

 

MALACHI- Martha, art thou a wife?

MARTHA- I am, with five sons and three daughters.

MALACHI- Well just imagine how blessed they will be if you ride home on this!

ANNOUNCER- A NEW DONKEY!!!!

 

A stage door opens to reveal the mule. The crowd goes bonkers.

 

ANNOUNCER- Bred in the fields near Bethlehem, this two year old donkey is ideal for light duty farm work, travel excursions, carrying goods to market, or cruising thy hometown on a Sunday night. Malachi? 

MALACHI- And Martha, that donkey will be thine if thou winneth the High/Low game. Thou knowest how to play. Thou shalt try to guess the price within the alotted time. I will tell thee if thine bids are high or low. Ready?

MARTHA- I am.

 

A model enters with a small hourglass.

 

MALACHI- Start thou the clock.

 

The model turns the hourglass over.

 

MALACHI- Go!

MARTHA- One quail!

MALACHI- Higher.

MARTHA- Fifteen chickens.

MALACHI- Lower.

MARTHA- Eight gallons of olive oil!

MALACHI- Higher.

MARTHA- Two bottles of nard.

MALACHI- Lower.

MARTHA- Five yards of fine purple silk!

MALACHI- Higher.

MARTHA- Two baby goats!

 

The bell rings. Martha jumps in celebration.

 

MALACHI- Thou hast guessed correctly! Thou hast won a donkey! We shall see thee at the big grinders wheel. And we shall be back with more pricing games after this word! This is Malachi Barker reminding thee thou shalt not to spay or neuter thy livestock!

 

Cut to commercial break.

 

30 Seconds or Less skit book - Now with 40% more funny!

In 2008 Righteous Insanity released the ebook "30 Seconds or Less," a collection of sketches that lasted 30 seconds or less. These blackout skits are ideal fillers for youth events, video packages, and just about any other place you might need a quick laugh or a few seconds of funny. 

Now that book just got even better! Introducing the newly expanded "30 Seconds or Less" with 40% more funny. That translates to 12 brand new skits added to the 30 from the first book. 

of course the best part about this deal is that the book is still 100% free. Just go to the Righteous Insanity Free Stuff page and download your copy now. You will laugh. You will come away saying, "We have to do this one." 

Free Skit Monday: Lucky Charms

Something for St. Patrick's day, or any time you're speaking on putting your faith in superstitions and worldly beliefs. Fans of Groucho and Chico will really enjoy this one. 

Lucky Charms

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Louie- A con man salesman

Amy- A girl looking for good luck

 

Louie enters. He has a small tray strapped around his neck like a popcorn salesman at a ball game. He may have lucky charms like clovers and other items pinned to his costume.

 

LOUIE: Change your fortune! Change your future! Get your lucky charms right here! Find love, find money! Get your lucky charms right here!

 

Amy enters.

 

AMY: Hey, leprechaun guy.

LOUIE: I'm not a leprechaun, I'm a man!

AMY: Sorry. I have a big test today. Do you have anything that will bring me good luck?

LOUIE: As a matter of fact I do. What you need is a lucky, four leaf clover.

 

He picks up the four leaf clover.

 

AMY: Oooooh!

LOUIE: That's right, take this four leaf clover with you, and all the answers will magically come to you.

AMY: How much is it?

LOUIE: It's a steal at only $10.

AMY: Ten dollars??

LOUIE: A small price to pay for a life time of straight A's, my dear.

AMY: Okay, okay. (pays Louie) Here you go.

 

Louie hands her the clover.

 

LOUIE: Thank you very much, young lady.

AMY: Wow, I can't believe that was so easy. Will this help me find love too?

LOUIE: No, no, if you want to find love, you need a lucky rabbit's foot.

AMY: A lucky rabbit's foot?

LOUIE: That's right. (picks up the rabbit's foot) A lucky rabbit's foot, good for finding love and new friends, a steal at only $10.

AMY: Another $10?

LOUIE: A small price to pay for a life time of love.

AMY: Okay, I'll take the rabbit's foot too.

 

They exchange money and the rabbit's foot.

 

LOUIE: Thank you kindly. May you find love and good health all your life.

AMY: Good health? This will bring me good health too?

LOUIE: Of course not, but your lucky horseshoe will.

AMY: Lucky horseshoe? I don't have a lucky horseshoe.

LOUIE: You don't have a lucky horseshoe? Why everyone needs a lucky horseshoe! It's the only way to guarantee a lifetime of good health.

 

He holds up an upside down horseshoe.

 

AMY: Let me guess, that's ten dollars too?

LOUIE: Not today. Today, the lucky horseshoe is absolutely free!

AMY: Free?

LOUIE: Plus a ten dollar delivery fee.

 

Amy scowls. She steps closer to Louie.

 

AMY: If I step here, can you make it five?

LOUIE: (steps away) No, because I'll step here and make it ten again.

AMY: Well, I gotta have good health, right?

 

They exchange money and the horseshoe, which he hands to her upside down.

 

LOUIE: A small price to pay for a lifetime of good health.

AMY: Wow. I can't believe this little thing will bring me good health.

LOUIE: Of course, if you want a long life too, you'll need a right side up horseshoe.

AMY: A what?

LOUIE: What you have there is an upside down horseshoe. That'll bring you good health, but not long life. Now a right side up horseshoe, that'll bring you good health and long life.

AMY: I don't suppose you have a right side up horseshoe in that box, do you?

LOUIE: No, my dear, I'm all sold out.

AMY: You are?

LOUIE: But I can turn that upside down horseshoe into a right side up horseshoe for a ten dollar service fee.

AMY: Service fee?

LOUIE: A small price to pay for a -

AMY/LOUIE: Lifetime of good health.

AMY: I know.

 

Amy hands Louie the money.

 

LOUIE: Thank you, my dear.

 

He take the horseshoe and turns it right side up.

 

LOUIE: And there you go, a right side up horseshoe. Long life, and good health.

AMY: Now all I need is more money.

LOUIE: I got just the thing!

AMY: I'm sure you do!

LOUIE: (he holds up a penny) A lucky penny, guaranteed to bring you great fortune and wads of cash!

AMY: Uh huh. And how much is that gonna cost me?

LOUIE: A lucky penny is priceless, a lucky charm beyond all measure of value. But you can have it today for only ten dollars.

AMY: Ten dollars for a penny?

LOUIE: A small price to pay for the investment of a life time.

AMY: But how do I know it will work?

LOUIE: Are you kidding? Anybody holding this lucky penny is guaranteed to make money.

AMY: They are?

LOUIE: Sure! Why in the time I've been standing here talking to you, I've made forty dollars!

AMY: Sold!

 

Louie quickly takes her money and hands her the penny.

 

LOUIE: Another satisfied customer! (starts to exit quickly) Change your fortune, ladies and gentlemen, change your future. Get your lucky charms right here!

AMY: Wow, a lucky penny. I can't believe me made forty dollars just standing here talking... to... (she gets it) Hey wait a minute!!!

 

Amy chases after Louie.