The Family McGuffin
By John Cosper
Dad and Mom are sitting in the living room. Jimmy and Heidi enter.
DAD: Hello, Jimmy, Heidi. You mom and I are so glad that the two of you could join us for this family conference.
HEIDI: What’s going on?
JIMMY: Did Dad lose his job? Are we going to have to move? Are we going to end up living in a van down by the river? I can’t go back there, Mom!
MOM: Relax, Dad did not lose his job.
JIMMY: Did he get a promotion? Are we rich? Can I have a pony?
DAD: Kids, your Mom and I have had some serious discussions. There’s been a lot of arguing and disharmony in the house lately, and it’s time we did something about it.
HEIDI: I knew it. You’re sending one of us overseas as a foreign exchange student!
MOM: Relax, no one’s going anywhere.
DAD: Not yet, anyway.
Mom and Dad laugh.
MOM: Goodness no. We’re not ready for that.
HEIDI: Ready for what?
DAD: There’s only one thing that can bring harmony back to this house - and it’s the Lord.
MOM: We’ve decided that the family that praises together, harmonizes together. So after much prayer and deliberation, we...
DAD: We decided to start a family band!
DAD: You know, one of those gospel groups that travels around and sings?
MOM: After we’ve written and rehearsed some songs, of course.
DAD: Of course.
HEIDI: Please tell me you’re joking!
DAD: Joking? Of course not! The Bible says we need to praise God in everything we do. So we decided to make praising God everything we do!
HEIDI: Oh no!
MOM: Oh yes!
DAD: I’ve already traded in the family cars for a giant tour bus.
MOM: We’ll get our name painted on the side and everything. We’re calling ourselves, “The Family McGuffin!”
DAD: I thought it was the McGuffin Family?
MOM: The Family McGuffin is much more spiritual!
JIMMY: (sarcastic) That’s just what I was thinking.
MOM: Thank you, Jimmy.
DAD: Oh, and we got the best deal ever on some matching sweaters at Wal-Mart.
Mom and Dad get up. They pull out four matching sweaters, and the two of them put their sweaters on.
MOM: Why Dad, you look like Bill Gaither!
DAD: Thanks, honey. You look like Dottie Rambo!
HEIDI: Who’s Bill Gaither?
JIMMY: Did you just say Mom looks like Rambo??
DAD: Come on, kids. Let’s get into uniform.
HEIDI: I just remembered, I have a test to study for.
JIMMY: Me too.
Heidi and Jimmy stand up, try to leave. Mom and Dad force the sweaters over their heads.
MOM: Oh, look at us, we all match!
DAD: You kids look sensational.
MOM: Positively spiritual!
DAD: Now to really sell the package, we’re gonna have to tweak our names a bit. Jimmy and Heidi just don’t sound spiritual enough. So Jimmy, you’re going to be Jim Bob.
JIMMY: Jim Bob???
MOM: And Heidi, your name won’t do at all, so we decided on something a little more Biblical: Dorcas.
Jimmy busts out laughing.
DAD: Okay, kids, now let’s lift our voices and see what we’ve got. Ready? And a one, and a two, and a...
Jimmy and Heidi run off, screaming.
MOM: Where did they go?
DAD: I was afraid of this. I guess they’re just not spiritual enough.
MOM: What do we do?
DAD: Come on. I think I have an application to sign them up for the foreign exchange program.
They start to exit.
MOM: Can we get a kid from Spain? I just love Spain.