New skit for Dad's and Father's Day to go with last week's treat for mom.
A New Model Dad
by John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Amy- A girl looking for a new dad
Dad- Amy’s Dad
Jeff- Used Dad Salesman
Otto- German Fascist Dad
Buck- Sports loving Dad
Howard- Too busy Dad
[Director’s Note: To reduce cast size, you can have one actor do minor costume changes and play Otto, Buck, and Howard.]
Jeff is at stage left seated behind a desk with his feet up, reading a paper. Amy rolls her Dad on stage in a cushy chair. Dad wears a T-shirt, shorts, black socks, and a gut. He is also fast asleep. Jeff sees Amy and sits up.
JEFF- Can I help you?
AMY- Yes. I’d like to trade in our dad.
JEFF- Then you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to Crazy Larry’s Used Dad Lot. So, where is the old man?
AMY- Asleep in his chair...like always!
JEFF- (jolts when he sees Dad) I’ve seen worse. But don’t despair. Whatever you’re looking for in a father, Crazy Larry’s is bound to have it. Now, exactly what kind of features were you looking for? Something more sporty? Energetic?
AMY- Clean?
JEFF- Ah! I have just the man for you. (calls off) Otto!
Otto marches on military style.
OTTO- Achtung! Getten zee in a line! Macht schnell!
Amy stands at attention, nervous.
OTTO- Vut are you do-ink? You schould be home do-ink home-vurk!
AMY- But it’s Saturday!
OTTO- Zen you schould be do-ink chorz! If I am to be your Fa-ter, you vill haff to schape up! From now on, ven you get home from school, you do homevurk. Zen, you do chorz. At 5:30, you eat supper. Late comers do not get fruit cup. Six o’clock, dishes. Six thirty, shower. Seven o’clock, bedtime!
AMY- Seven o’clock bedtime?
OTTO- Right after butterfly kisses.
AMY- (walks to Jeff) I don’t think this one’s going to work out.
Otto exits.
JEFF- What’s the matter? Not what you had in mind?
AMY- Not exactly. My old dad made me do homework and chores, but he knew how to have fun too.
JEFF- I see. Perhaps a more fun-loving father then? Someone with a big heart who likes to be involved in your life.
AMY- Yeah. And one who enjoys sports.
JEFF- I have just the Dad you’re looking for.
Buck runs on.
BUCK- Hey, hey, how ya doin’ there, sport? You ready for some fun and excitement with dear old dad?
AMY- Yeah!
BUCK- Well that’s just what we’re gonna do! Starting tomorrow, you’re signing up for ice hockey.
AMY- Ice hockey?
BUCK- That’s right! Nothing builds character and a sound mind like a little blood on the ice!
AMY- But I’m a soccer player.
BUCK- Soccer! Soccer? Only weenies play soccer!
AMY- What did you say?
BUCK- I said soccer is for weenies!
AMY- (to Jeff) Okay, get him out before I have to hurt him.
Buck exits.
JEFF- But I thought you wanted an active Dad.
AMY- I do. But I want a dad who will let me be me, not what he wants me to be.
JEFF- I see. So you want someone who is supportive, but not so heavily involved. What about this one?
Howard enters.
HOWARD- Hey there, Buffy.
AMY- It’s Amy.
HOWARD- Whatever. I just want you to know that as your dad, I’ll be proud of you no matter what you want to do. And whenever life gives you lemons, I’ll be right there to help you turn them into lemonade. (cell phone rings) Just a minute. (answer phone) Hello?...We did? The Asher account?...I’m on my way. (hang up) Gotta run, guys. I’ve got a five-thirty meeting in L.A. (pulls out a ten dollar bill and hands it to Amy) Here. Go to the mall and get yourself something cool.
AMY- But can we just--
HOWARD- Sorry, Doris, gotta run! (runs off, yells) Don’t forget to feed the dog!
AMY- (stunned) We don’t even have a dog
JEFF- What do you think? He’ll let you be you, and he has a big six figure salary!
AMY- My dad never had that. But he was there for me. And he always listened.
JEFF- (shrugs) Well, I’m afraid you’ve put me in an awkward spot. I’ve already shown you all the Dads I have on the lot. The only one left is--
AMY- The only one I need!
Amy runs to their Dad.
AMY- Dad?
Amy holds Dad’s nose. Dad snorts and wakes up.
DAD- What the-- What the heck did you do with my TV?
AMY- I love you, Daddy!
Amy hugs Dad.
DAD- What the heck did you do with my real daughter?
Posted by: |