Looking for a really deep, moving drama? Yeah, this isn't for you.
The Old Testament Price Is Right
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
An historian
An announcer
Ezekiel, Dorcas, Hezekiah, Martha – Game show contestants
Malachi – A game show host
The historian walks on stage.
HISTORIAN: Until only recently, it was widely believed that game shows were an invention of the 20th century. But archaeologists, working in conjunction with Biblical scholars, have now confirmed that game shows first gained popularity around the same time Jesus walked the Earth. It’s true. And tonight, we’re going to give you a peek at what a game show looked like during Jesus’ time. And to really help you feel like you’re there, we’re going to do it in the King James Version. Enjoy.
The historian exits. Play the Price is Right theme.
ANNOUNCER- It's time once again for Jerusalem’s most favorite game show! Ezekiel, come on down!
Ezekiel runs down the aisle.
ANNOUNCER- Dorcas Baker, come on down!
Dorcas runs down front.
ANNOUNCER- Hezekiah Daniels, come on down!
Hezekiah runs down front.
ANNOUNCER- And Martha Berry, come on down! Thou art the first four contestants on the Price Is Right!
Crowd cheers even louder.
ANNOUNCER- And now, here is thine host of the Amish Price Is Right, Malachiiiiiiiiii Barker!
Malachi enters.
MALACHI- Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the Amish Price Is Right. Contestants, please direct thine eyes to see what my Modest Young Daughters are bringing out for bids.
ANNOUNCER- It's a new wine skin!
A model – dressed in the same Biblical attire as the others - enters with the butter churn. Audience "Oooos."
ANNOUNCER- From wine skins of Nazareth comes this handsome new wine skin, ideal for storing new wine and attractive enough to serve at thy next party. Malachi?
MALACHI- Ezekiel, what doest thou bid for this wine skin?
EZEKIEL- Two… no three bottles of olive oil.
MALACHI- Three bottles of olive oil. Dorcas?
DORCAS- Four loaves and one fish, Malachi.
MALACHI- Four loaves and one fish. Hezekiah?
Hezekiah hesitates, listening to the audience.
MALACHI- Bid thou, Hezekiah!
HEZEKIAH- Eight bags of grain!
MALACHI- Eight bags of grain. Martha?
MARTHA- One sow!
MALACHI- One sow. Actual price is…
Malachi unrolls and reads a small scroll.
MALACHI - One a half sows! Martha, thou art a winner!
Chimes ding, the crowd cheers, and Martha runs on stage.
MALACHI- Martha, art thou a wife?
MARTHA- I am, with five sons and three daughters.
MALACHI- Well just imagine how blessed they will be if you ride home on this!
ANNOUNCER- A NEW DONKEY!!!!
A stage door opens to reveal the mule. The crowd goes bonkers.
ANNOUNCER- Bred in the fields near Bethlehem, this two year old donkey is ideal for light duty farm work, travel excursions, carrying goods to market, or cruising thy hometown on a Sunday night. Malachi?
MALACHI- And Martha, that donkey will be thine if thou winneth the High/Low game. Thou knowest how to play. Thou shalt try to guess the price within the alotted time. I will tell thee if thine bids are high or low. Ready?
MARTHA- I am.
A model enters with a small hourglass.
MALACHI- Start thou the clock.
The model turns the hourglass over.
MALACHI- Go!
MARTHA- One quail!
MALACHI- Higher.
MARTHA- Fifteen chickens.
MALACHI- Lower.
MARTHA- Eight gallons of olive oil!
MALACHI- Higher.
MARTHA- Two bottles of nard.
MALACHI- Lower.
MARTHA- Five yards of fine purple silk!
MALACHI- Higher.
MARTHA- Two baby goats!
The bell rings. Martha jumps in celebration.
MALACHI- Thou hast guessed correctly! Thou hast won a donkey! We shall see thee at the big grinders wheel. And we shall be back with more pricing games after this word! This is Malachi Barker reminding thee thou shalt not to spay or neuter thy livestock!
Cut to commercial break.
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