Old classic that fits nicely with the holiday season. If you went to one of my workshops in the past, you probably saw or performed this one. I'm currently adapting that workshop into an ebook for release in the New Year.
Enjoy the skit, folks!
TOY WARS
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Tony- A rabid Star Wars fan
Deanna- A single mom
(Deanna is in a toy aisle, looking at SW figures. She is looking at one in particular. Tony walks down the aisle and sees the figure in her hands, one he really "needs." He hovers over her shoulder like a vulture. Deanna turns to face him.)
DEANNA- May I help you?
TONY- Do you work here?
DEANNA- No.
TONY- So why are you offering to help me?
DEANNA- It was a polite way of asking what the heck you're doing hovering over my shoulder like a vulture?
TONY- Oh…I was just…looking. Star Wars fan?
DEANNA- Me? No, this is for my son.
TONY- Your son?
DEANNA- He's 4, and he loves Star Wars. I had to take him to that Episode 1 twice. Did you see it?
TONY- Twenty seven times.
DEANNA- Twenty seven times?
TONY- Would have been twenty eight, but I had the flu the last week it was at the dollar theater.
DEANNA- So, what can you tell me about this figure?
TONY- Hmm? Oh, the Darth Maul with split in half action. It's a nice piece. Kinda rare, only ships one to a box. When you combine him with Blow Of Death Action Obi Wan, you can cut him in half like in the final battle scene. Kind of graphic.
DEANNA- I'll say.
TONY- Yeah, it's a unique one. I've been looking all over for it, actually. Service Merchandise, Toys R Us, Kaybee, Target, Meijer, Wal-Mart, K-Mart…
DEANNA- Really.
TONY- Yeah, it's the last one of Wave 13 I don't have.
DEANNA- Hmmm. Well, it's the only Darth Maul I've found. My son absolutely loves him. He dressed as him for Halloween, and the church wouldn't allow him into the Halloween alternative party because he looked like the devil. I'm sure he'll love it.
TONY- Uhhh…maybe I didn't make myself clear. I've been looking for this particular figure all day. All week, actually. Some times hitting stores twice a day. It's a necessity for me.
DEANNA- I appreciate these things are hard to find, but I really think my son wants this for Christmas.
TONY- You know, I just came from Target, and they had a whole wall of the regular Darth Maul's sitting on the shelf.
DEANNA- Yes, but as you said, this one has that special cut in half thingy. That makes him unique.
TONY- Yes, but the significance will be completely lost on him. This isn’t an item for a child, but a true collector.
DEANNA- You mean someone like you?
TONY- Exactly like me! I have the force running through my veins. (lifts sleeve) See this tattoo?
DEANNA- Yes.
TONY- The symbol of the Rebel Alliance.
DEANNA- The who?
TONY- The good guys in Star Wars Episodes 4 through 6!
DEANNA- Is this where my child is headed? Maybe I should just let you take it.
TONY- That’s very generous of you.
DEANNA- Then again, my son has a much better grip on reality than you seem to have. Toys are for playing, not worshipping.
TONY- Playing with it?
DEANNA- It is a toy!
TONY- It's more than a toy! It's Americana! Pop culture! An icon, a symbol! It's to be placed on proud display on a shelf in it's original shell, not ripped out and chewed up by some 4 year old's set of baby teeth!
DEANNA- Excuse me?
TONY- I mean if anyone deserves that toy, it's someone who will treat it write. Treasure it. Care for it like fine China. Did you know that some of the original action figures from 1978 are worth thousands of dollars in their original packages? My 1978 Jawa with the vinyl cape will pay for four years of college.
DEANNA- Really? One toy paid for your college?
TONY- Well, no. I couldn’t bring myself to sell it, so I got a job instead.
DEANNA- I didn’t realize these things were actually worth something other than just fun. Maybe I ought to pick up some extras. Then Tony will have college money some day.
TONY- Tony? Did you say Tony?
DEANNA- He’s my son.
TONY- That’s my name.
DEANNA- No kidding?
TONY- Yeah.
DEANNA- What a small world. I’m Deanna.
TONY- Nice to meet you.
DEANNA- I’m sorry if I was a little gruff with you. I didn’t mean to insult you. You’re just a zealous fan who knows how to have fun and still act like a kid.
TONY- Don’t think anything of it. We loyal fans are used to persecution.
DEANNA- Yeah, I remember all the news people making fun of the fans who camped out at the theater for tickets.
TONY- You saw us on TV?
DEANNA- Yeah. You were there? Tony made me drive by the theater so he could see all the nuts—I mean, fans in costume.
TONY- It was a lot of fun. Hey, maybe we could, you know, get together some time.
DEANNA- What?
TONY- We could get together. Do dinner or something.
DEANNA- I don’t know.
TONY- Come on, it would be fun. I could show your Tony my collection of toys.
DEANNA- Well, you seem harmless enough. It might be fun.
TONY- Can you give me your number?
DEANNA- You have something to write on?
TONY- No.
DEANNA- I may. (hands Tony the toy) Hold this.
(Deanna opens her purse, begins searching through her purse. Tony realizes his good fortune- she’s given him the toy. He backs away slowly, then runs off. Deanna pulls out a scrap piece of paper and a pen.)
DEANNA- Here we go. (writing) 555-8123. And I’m usually home after—(turns, sees Tony’s gone) Where’d he go? The toy! He took the toy! (yells) YOU REBEL SCUM!!!
(Deanna runs off.)
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