Too Bad
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Mike- A guy who screwed up
Jesus
Mike and Jesus sit on the edge of the stage like old buds. Mike could have a beer in hand. Mike is serious, contrite, almost repentant in his tone – almost.
MIKE: Well, I sure made a mess of that one.
Jesus nods.
MIKE: I thought I had it all figured out. Thought I had all the answers. Guess you see that a lot, don't you?
Jesus nods again.
MIKE: How could I have been so impatient? If I'd only stopped to think a moment, I could have avoided all this trouble. Now I've got all that and more besides. Guess it couldn't get much worse, right?
Jesus gives him a half smile and nods.
MIKE: Yeah. I guess it could. Boy, if ever there was a time I could use some advice, it's now. Makes me wish I'd listened to all those people who tried to help me growing up. Teachers. Guidance counselors. That lady who had that TV show after school all those years... what was her name?
JESUS: Oprah.
MIKE: Yeah. Oprah. She seemed like a smart lady, you know? Man, if only I'd listened to those folks. I do remember one person that always tried to help. My Sunday School teacher, Miss Catlett?
Jesus smiles and nods.
MIKE: She seemed like a really smart cookie, you know? If there was a problem, she had the answer. Or she knew where to find it. She always said, "No matter what you do, no matter where you go, there's no problem too big for Jesus." I really believed that too, you know? If I was ever in real trouble, I could go to Jesus, and he'd take care of it. Right?
Jesus nods.
MIKE: I could really use some divine guidance right now. It's just a shame you don't do that any more.
Jesus cocks an eyebrow as if to say, "Say what??"
Note: Mike’s tone is sincere sounding, not at all sarcastic, mean, or bitter. He plays this as if Jesus really doesn’t “do that” any more. Deep down, of course, Mike doesn’t really want Jesus’ help because it would mean surrender and sacrifice, but he’s playing this act for Jesus and himself – even thought he’s fooling no one.
MIKE: Don't feel bad about it. I understand. You're a busy running the universe. You have a planet with seven billion people to manage. You don't have time for a guy like me, right?"
Jesus starts to say Yes, but he is cut off by--
MIKE: Of course you don't. And why should you? I'm just another screw up who didn't listen when he had the chance. Now here I am, left to solve my own problems. It's not like you have any grand ideas for me, do you?
Jesus tries to answer - and is cut off again.
MIKE: No, of course not. You have pastors to help, and missionaries, and other people more important than me. It's not like you have any use for a nobody like me.
Jesus tries to answer again - and can't.
MIKE: No, a guy like me just has to find his own way. Maybe ten years ago, you might have been a help. But come on, look at me. Look at the mess I'm in. Do I really expect a guy like you to give me a second chance?
Jesus tries to answer again - again, he's cut short.
MIKE: Yes, I know you'd give me a chance if you could, but don't let me make you feel bad about not helping. I made my own bed, now I have to sleep in it. I'll get through this. It may not be pretty. It may not be the way you would have planned it. But like I said, what kind of plans would you have a plan for a guy like me?
Jesus starts to answer, but this time, he's speechless. He shrugs.
MIKE: Hey, it's okay, don't feel bad. When all this is over, I'll be back. You just wait. I'm gonna bounce back from this crisis, and when I do, (punches Jesus on the arm playfully) you can rest assured I'll see you on Sunday.
Mike runs off to live his own life.
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