Fall of the House of Bricks
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
The Three Pigs
Father Hog
The Big Bad Wolf
The Narrator enters. The Three Pigs and Father Hog enter as he/she begins the story.
NARR: Once upon a time there were three pigs. These pigs were the sons of a wealthy hog who owned the largest and most respected construction company in all of Fairy Land. When the pigs were fully grown, each one decided to set out and build homes of their own.
FATHER: Sons, I've been building houses for years. I know everything there is to know about building a solid home that will last and stand up to any test. So if you want my help...
PIG 1: Ehh, who needs ya?
PIG 2: Building houses isn't that hard!
PIG 3: We can do it on our own.
The little pigs walk away from their Father.
FATHER: Well, okay, but if you change your minds...
PIG 1: Beat it, Pops!
Father Hog exits.
NARR: Now the first little pig was a total fool. He was more interested in the things he could put in his home than what he used to put up his home. That's why he built a house out of straw.
PIG 1: That's right, baby, and with the money I saved, I'm gonna a jumbo-sized TV, a waterbed, and a solid gold toilet!
NARR: The second pig saw this and thought...
PIG 2: What an idiot. A house of straw? That will never last. But a solid gold toilet would be nice. I know! I can build my house out of sticks. Then I can still afford the solid gold toilet.
NARR: The third pig saw this and just shook his head.
PIG 3: You morons! You think straw and sticks are the building tools for a good house? I'm not gonna spare a single expense on my house! I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about building a house, and then I'm going to build the best house you ever saw!
NARR: The third little pig read every book there was on the art of framing, brick laying, electrical wiring, plumbing, and roofing. He spent hundreds of hours reading everything there was to know about building construction and hundreds more planning his dream house.
Father Hog enters.
FATHER: Nice job, son. Mind if I have a look at those?
PIG 3; Forget it, Pops. I don't need your help.
FATHER: But son, if you don't start by--
PIG 3: If I want your help, I will ask for it. Buh bye!
Father Hog exits.
NARR: Then, with his plans all made, the third pig built the strongest brick house you ever saw.
PIG 3: And Dad didn't think I could do it myself! I guess I showed him!
NARR: Well, I don't have to tell you what happened next. Along came the Big Bad Wolf.
The Wolf enters.
WOLF: Am I really bad? Is it bad for a carnivore to take the life of another creature? I don't have the digestive system to process fruits and vegetables, and the protein and nutrition I get from pigs--
NARR: Hey, Mr. Philosopher, this isn't about you. It's about them.
WOLF: Fine. But one of these days, I'd love the opportunity to--
NARR: Just blow some houses down.
WOLF: All right already!
The Wolf blows. Pigs 1 and 2 react as if their houses were blown in. The Wolf attacks them both and bites and kills them.
NARR: The Wolf destroyed the houses of straw and sticks and ate everyone he found inside.
WOLF: Is that a solid gold toilet? Awesome!
NARR: Then he set his sights on the house of bricks.
WOLF: All right, brick boy, open up.
PIG 3: You have to say the line first!
WOLF: I am not saying the line!
PIG 3: Please?
WOLF: No! I'm tired of playing the stooge!
NARR: Come on. Say it for the kids.
WOLF: Fine! Little pig, little pig... let me in.
PIG 3: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!
WOLF: Then I'll huff and puff, blah blah blah.
The Wolf blows.
NARR: The Wolf blew as hard as he could, but he just could not blow down the house of bricks.
PIG 3: Ha ha ha ha! Loser!
NARR: But then, the Wolf noticed something.
WOLF: Hey! There's no foundation to this house!
The Wolf gets on the stage and begins to dig.
PIG 3: Hey, what are you doing?
WOLF: Digging!
PIG 3: You're supposed to go down the chimney!
WOLF: And get my tail burned off like some Warner Brothers cartoon? No way!
PIG 3: Stop digging!
WOLF: No!
PIG 3: You can't do this!
WOLF: Yes I can!
PIG 3: It's not right!
WOLF: I'm an apex predator! It's what I do!
PIG 3: But I read all the books! I spared no expense!
WOLF: You forgot to lay a solid foundation for your house!
The Wolf stands.
WOLF: And now, you're dead.
The Wolf bites the pig. Father Hog enters.
NARR: If only the little pig had bothered to ask his father for help, he would have learned...
FATHER: Before you can build your house, you have to lay a solid foundation. If there's no foundation, the house will never last. It may not be blown over by the wind, but it will never last.
NARR: The third pig didn't listen, and he paid the price. And thus ends the true story the three little pigs.
The Wolf clears his throat.
NARR: Oh get over yourself.
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