Righteous Insanity

New skit - Darrian Phillips Is a Jerk

Darrian Phillips Is a Jerk

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

An actor to give the intro (can be a character from a skit)

Greg, Jeff, Kendra, and Stu- Students or office co-workers, depending on if youth or adults perform the skit

 

NOTE: Darrian Phillips is a former student and good friend of mine. He is not really a jerk, but a recent conversation led me to use his name in this skit when the idea came to me. Feel free to substitute in the name of a well-known member of your audience/congregation when you perform the skit. You should probably get their permission first. (Yes, Darrian gave me his permission to use his name.) 

 

The actor walks out to introduce the skit.

 

INTRO: Hello. This morning's skit is dedicated to one of our biggest fans. I know a lot of you look forward to seeing our drama ministry in action, and one of those people is our very own Darrian Phillips. Darrian's such a big fan, he asked us to use his name in a skit. So Darrian, this skit is for you.

 

The actor exits. Greg and Jeff enter.

 

GREG: Hey, Jeff, did you hear about Darrian Phillips?

JEFF: No, what about Darrian Phillips?

GREG: Darrian Phillips is a complete jerk.

JEFF: No way!

GREG: I just heard it in the locker room. He's the biggest jerk in this school, and quite possibly the world.

JEFF: This is Darrian Phillips we're talking about?

GREG: That's right, Darrian Phillips, the jerk of the world.

JEFF: Wow, he must be a really big jerk.

 

Kendra enters.

 

GREG: If you looked up the word jerk in the dictionary, you would find a picture of Darrian Phillips.

KENDRA: Are you guys talking about that jerk, Darrian Phillips?

JEFF: Yeah, do you know the jerk?

KENDRA: Yeah, I know the jerk! I used to date him!

JEFF: You dated Darrian Phillips?

GREG: Was he a jerk?

KENDRA: He was the biggest jerk! He never opened doors, he was rude to my parents, and he made me pay for dinner on prom night!

JEFF: What a jerk!

GREG: I told you he's a jerk!

KENDRA: If he were a country, he would be Jerkistan!

 

Stu enters.

 

GREG: If he were a Mexican fast food restaurant, he would be Taco Jerk.

JEFF: If he were a Steve Martin movie, he would be...

 

Jeff trails off, his mind goes blank.

 

STU: The Jerk? 

JEFF: Yes! Thank you.  

STU: You guys aren't talking about that jerk Darrian Phillips, are you?

KENDRA: Yes we are.

STU: You know I heard he's such a jerk, he pushes old ladies down on the street.

GREG: I heard he's such a jerk, he punches his own dog in the neck!

JEFF: I heard he's such a jerk, he calls his girlfriends Dummy Head.

KENDRA: He does!

GREG: Darrian Phillips is a jerk.

KENDRA: Oh he is such a jerk.

JEFF: What a total jerk.

STU: Just a big, dumb jerk.

 

Pause.

 

STU: Hard to believe God loves that jerk, Darrian Phillips.

KENDRA: I know, right? The Bible says God loved the world so much, he sent his only son to die for us.

GREG: I can't believe God could love a jerk like Darrian Phillips.

JEFF: That's a big God.

GREG: That's a big love.

KENDRA: Very big!

JEFF: Do you think Darrian knows?

STU: I don't know.

KENDRA: Maybe we should tell him

GREG: What if he doesn't believe us?

JEFF: Yeah! What if Darrian Phillips doesn't care that God loves him?

STU: He'd have to be an awful big jerk to not care that God loves him.

GREG: And everybody knows...

ALL: Darrian Phillips is a really big jerk.

 

Planning for Christmas already?

Righteous Insanity has an early Christmas present for you: a newly expanded holiday skits package. And no, we don't mean "holiday" in the all-inclusive politically correct sense. We mean holiday as in Christmas AND Thanksgiving AND New Years.

 

More than 100 skits for a variety of audiences are included in this package. And now through September 1, it's on sale for only $19 - $11 off the regular price.

 

If you're planning for the Christmas season, now's the time to act! Get your Christmas Skits Package and download it instantly from Righteous Insanity.

 

And PS - If you really want to hit all the holidays, we have a Halloween Skit Package too!

Film website updates

Just did a major overhaul to the Fluffy website (necessitated by some corrupt code in the original web site in the web design program). All the films are up on the site, and a new page has been added that will eventually host the long in development prequel, "Fluffy 1947." Yep, we're going back to that well one more time.

 

Clive the Zombie's website had a little work done as well. "The Lonely Dead" is now in post-production, and production on "Zombies R Forever" will ramp back up in August.

 

I'm planning to get both Clive and Fluffy out to more horror and genre film fests over the coming year. Not opposed to getting into a Christian film fest either. In my experience, Christian film fests those tend to shy away from carnivorous aliens and zombies for some strange reason. But a young Christian filmmaker from Georgia caught "Zombies R Friends" this past weekend at Fright Night Film Fest and got the message right away. Maybe there's hope for the Christian film market after all.

New skit: Shark Attack

Shark Attack

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Tom- News anchor (unseen)

Laura- On the spot reporter

Chip- A very self-centered guy

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was inspired by an actual interview I saw on TV. A girl was attacked by a shark, and the eyewitness was more concerned about his own psychological well being than he was for the little girl. You can't make this stuff up.

 

With the lights out, we hear Tom say:

 

TOM: Tragedy on the beach yesterday as another child fell victim to a shark attack. For more on that we go to Laura Palmer in Florida. Laura?

 

Lights up. Laura is dressed for TV news, holding a mic at center stage. Chip stands beside her in his swim trunks and a tank top, holding a Pina Colada.

 

LAURA: Tom, I'm here on the beach where yesterday, an eight year old girl was viciously attacked by a shark swimming in shallow waters. The victim was bitten on the leg twice,, and her life may well have been saved by alert vacationers who responded to her cries for help. She is in the intensive care unit at nearby Beach Memorial Hospital, and everyone here on the beach is awaiting news of her condition. Sir, you were an eyewitness to what happened. Can you tell us about the incident?

CHIP: Well, I was enjoying a peaceful vacation here on the beach, far from my lousy job and the stress that's causing me hypertension, when all of a sudden I hear this little girl in the water screaming.

LAURA: You heard her scream?

CHIP: Yes, I heard her! She nearly ruptured my ear drum, she was so loud.

LAURA: It must have been horrific.

CHIP: It was! All that screaming undid four days of rest and relaxation. It all came back - the sweating, the increased pulse rate, the high blood pressure, even that phantom pain I get at the crook of my neck whenever my boss comes around.

LAURA: What did you think when you saw what was happening?

CHIP: Oh, it was awful. There was blood in the water, and this little girl flapping in the surf with all these fins.

LAURA: Did you do anything?

CHIP: You bet I did. I puked!

LAURA: You puked?

CHIP: Thirty dollars worth of shellfish and Corona, right there on the beach. I puked my guts out, it was so disgusting.

LAURA: So you didn't try to help?

CHIP: I couldn't! I was so horrified by the whole thing, I was wretching my guts out. My stomach muscles are still sore a day later.

LAURA: What about the girl?

CHIP: What about her?

LAURA: Aren't you concerned for her safety?

CHIP: Are you kidding? I can't think of anything but that little girl! I haven't been able to sleep since the incident. Every time I close my eyes, I see that shark and that girl. My heart starts racing, my body starts to sweat. I've even begun to have tremors. (holds out a shaking hand) See? See what it did to me?

LAURA: So you are concerned that the girl is okay?

CHIP: Yes! I wish someone would tell me if she was okay so I could at least get some rest. I can't go back to Chicago like this! I'll have a heart attack on the train first day back at work!

LAURA: If she recovers, will you go and visit the girl in the hospital? 

CHIP: I don't know. I mean I could get over all this, but what if seeing her triggers a relapse, you know?

LAURA: I guess I never thought of that.

CHIP: It's going to be hard enough seeing her in court.

LAURA: In court?

CHIP: Of course. I'm suing her for emotional damages.

LAURA: You're suing the little girl?

CHIP: I have to! Before yesterday, my life was coming back into balance, spiritually and emotionally. Now look at me! I'm a nervous wreck!

LAURA: Why do you have to sue the girl?

CHIP: Well I can't sue the shark, can I? Sharks don't have any money. My attorney says she's the one who violated the shark's natural habitat and put herself in jeopardy. That's negligence, and her negligence is going to cost me a fortune in counseling fees and prescription pills. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get a massage.

 

Chip exits.

 

LAURA: Well there you have it. A little girl clings to life in the hospital, and a man with a suite here at the Hilton clings to his sanity. And a Pina Colada.

Drama is not Dead

Kim Messer has a great article out on the state of drama ministry. Click the link below to read it. 

http://www.graceandpeacemagazine.org/

New skit - How to Break a Bully

A little something for the kids. 

 

How to Break a Bully

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Biff- A big time bully

Clarence- A nerdy kid

Sarah- A friend of Clarence

Other kids (3 or more as extras)

 

Biff enters, looking a little nervous. He is dressed tough and acts tough. He speaks to the audence.

 

BIFF: Oh, man, first day at a new school. Why did my mom and dad have to move? I had it so good at my last school. I was the top dog, you know. That's right, you're looking at last year's number one bully at Woodward Elementary. I was so tough, I made twenty bucks a day on lunch money alone. And I made ten bucks a day in protection money. That's the money kids would pay me not to dunk their heads in the toilets. I averaged about fifteen wedgies a week, shattering the previous school record of nine a week. And nicknames? Man, I was the king of making up nicknames for nerds. There was Sloppy Joe Head, String Bean Jeans, Lenny the Loser, Snot Face Sally. What can I say? It's a gift. Yep, I was the top bully at Woodward, and you know what? I'm gonna be the top bully here too. Every kid in school is going to know my name, and when they hear it, they're going to be terrified!

 

Clarence enters. He is very much a nerd, with pants pulled up high, suspenders, thick glasses, and a pocket protector.

 

BIFF: A ha! Nerd alert! Time for me to make my mark on this school!

 

Biff walks over to Clarence.

 

BIFF: Hand over the lunch money, geek!

CLARENCE: Excuse me?

BIFF: I said hand over the lunch money!

CLARENCE: Oh I don't have any, I'm brown bagging it today.

BIFF: That's too bad, because you're about to get a wedgie, Four Eyes!

CLARENCE: My name isn't Four Eyes. It's Clarence.

BIFF: No, your name is Four Eyes! And you BETTER have some money for me by noon or your head will go in the toilet!

CLARENCE: That's not very sanitary!

BIFF: Don't talk back to me, geek! Do you know who you're dealing with?

CLARENCE: Well, no, I didn't catch your name.

BIFF: I'm Biff Turner! And I'm the new top dog around these parts! I'm the guy who's going to make life for nerds like you a living nightmare in this school.

CLARENCE: People like me?

BIFF: I said nerds like you!

 

As Biff talks, Sarah and the other kids enter, all of them wearing glasses.

 

BIFF: You know why I said nerds? Because nerds aren't people! You are scum! You are losers! You're worthless and weak! You were born with a Kick Me sign on your back, and people like me were born to do the kicking! So when I come to you tomorrow and say, "Give me your lunch money," you better hand over the lunch money you... little...

 

Biff looks around, sees he is surrounded. He gets nervous.

 

BIFF: Four... eyed... freak?

SARAH: (nerdy, but tough) Hey, Clarence, is this guy bothering you?

CLARENCE: (suddenly more confident; the tables have turned!) Why no. We were just getting acquainted. Biff, was it?

BIFF: (terrified) Uhhh...

CLARENCE: Or should we all call you... Two Eyes?

BIFF: I gotta go!

 

Biff runs off in fear.

 

SARAH: You okay, Clarence?

CLARENCE: Yeah, I'm cool. Thanks for the help.

 

All the other kids take off their nerd glasses and put them away.

 

SARAH: Works every time!

 

The kids exit with Clarence.

 

A sermon illustration from John Carpenter's They Live

Getting ready for Fright Night Film Fest this weekend, so I wached John Carpenter's They Live last night. It's not one of Carpenter's better known films (which include Halloween, Escape from New York, and Big Trouble in Little China), but its as good if not better than any of them. It's a great sci-fi alien story very well told with humor and terror about a man who discovers a secret conspiracy to control and enslave mankind. And if that's not enough to recommend it, it stars the great Roddy Piper.

 

There's a scene in the movie that would make a great sermon illustration. I don't want to spoil it for any sci-fi fans who are inclined to watch the movie. For those of you who will rent it or go get it from Netflix, look for the scene where Piper puts on the sunglasses for the first time. For the rest of you, highlight below to read the spoilers and see what it's all about.

 

The main character witnesses a church being raided by police. He searches ther church afterward and discovers a hidden box of sunglasses. He takes a pair and walks out into the street. As soon as he puts them on, he sees things that he could not see before. Billboards, magazines, and other signs are replaced with ominous black and white signs with messages like Obey, Stay Asleep, No Independent Thought. A hand full of dollar bills appear as white pieces of paper with words written in black: "This Is Your God." He soon realizes the world has been hypnotized into a state of slavery by a mysterious race of aliens, whom he can also see with his glasses.

 

It's a perfect illustration for the way the world blinds itself to sin and evil. We accept slavery and bondage to sin much the same way humanity accepted its slavery to aliens. Only by looking through the lens of God's word can we see the world for what it is, and only by accepting that reality can we be set free.

 

They Live is rated R, but the film clip recommended above contains little dialogue and no language. It is an under-rated cult classic with some legendary moments, including a ridiculously long fist fight and Piper's legendary quote about bubble gum - which I cannot repeat in its entirety here. Recommended for anyone who likes Carpenter, aliens, Roddy Piper, or conspiracy theory movies.

Need a play for Christmas?

I've got one for you. 

It's new, it doesn't even have a proper title (yet), and it's different than anything you've done before. 

The play is about 6 teens (or single adults, depending on your cast) whose student (or singles) minister ropes them into doing a Christmas play. The play is based on Matthew 1 - known to all of us who grew up with the KJV as the "begat" chapter. Taking on the roles of Adam, Eve, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, Rahab, Ruth, David, and other members of the genealogy of Christ, the actors play out the Christmas story from the very beginning. The end result is a broader view of the babe in a manger, the long planned, long awaited Savior sent by a loving God to save a reckless and rebellious people. 

The play is available for free to any churches willing to give it a test drive this year. I'm looking for feedback to improve the script and make it the best it can be. 

Email me at john@righteousinsanity.com if you're interested! 

Fright Night Film Festival

The 2011 Fright Night Film Fest is 4 days away, and four movies playing in the film festival will list me as a writer.

 

"Bots" is the first to run this weekend. This comedy short was directed by stand up comic Marty Pollio and focuses on an Internet dating hazard breaching the real world. The film will be part of the Short Film Block 1 Friday night at 6:15 in the Secretariat/Citation room. 

 

"Zombies R Friends" is the epic zombie puppet sage featuring Clive the Zombie and the voice talents of Sonny Burnette, Kayla Perkins, and "Return of the Swamp Thing" star Daniel Emery Taylor. You can catch the Righteous Insanity production during Short Film Block 4 on Saturday at 10 AM in Whirlaway. 

 

"Wingman" is a feature film that follows the adventures of a laid off super hero sidekick trying to find his place in this world. Kent Carney, LEO Magazine winner for Louisville's favorite stand up comic, stars as Wingman for director Jonathan Vanderford and Fredicus Productions. See the movie in all its glory bright and early Sunday at 9:30 AM in Room 1184. 

 

Finally, "Tolerance" will be screened as part of Short Film Block 5 on Sunday at 4:15 in Secretariat/Citation. Tolerance is a story of aliens and political correctness, directed by and starring GIrl Number 3 director Herschel Zahnd III.

Two soundtracks you must have for your drama ministry

Was talking shop with another director recently, and we were discussing mood music for stage productions. Seemed we both shared a love for one particular soundtrack album that we'd found useful for skits and plays in church: the sound track to "The Addams Family" movie. Simply put, this is some of the most beautiful, haunting movie music not composed by Tim Burton you'll ever hear. There's a variety of sounds and styles of music, all dark, creepy, and a little mischievous. I used two tracks from this CD for the original "ALIENS" production years ago, and other tracks have proven useful as well.

If you pick that one up, get the "Twin Peaks" television soundtrack as well. I used this one frequently. It was a part of the "ALIENS" production, and "Laura Palmer's Theme" provided a haunting backdrop for a staged version of the short story "The Room" by Joshua Harris. It's a chilling mix of sounds that is both soothing and disturbing at the same time. Dramatic - at times a little melodramatic - with some fun slow jazz tossed in here and there.

Always puts me in the mood for donuts of cherry pie; I'm a fan of the TV series too.