JAMES: Mr. and Mrs. Habersham, good to see you. How is the new house?
BARRON: Well, that's what we want to talk about.
JAMES: Oh really?
LYNN: We're very unhappy.
JAMES: Sit down, please. Tell me what's wrong. Is it the plumbing? The roof?
BARRON: It's not any one thing. It's the house as a whole.
LYNN: When we took possession, we opted for the Blessings Clause.
JAMES: Oh yes, I remember.
BARRON: You promised us that we'd have God's blessing on the house. Instead, the kids are always fighting, things keep breaking.
LYNN: Money's been real tight, too. We just can't keep up.
JAMES: I see.
BARRON: We feel like you sold us a bill of goods.
JAMES: I can assure you, that's not true. The Lord has a solid reputation going back thousands of years. When men were dwelling in tents and caves, the Blessing Clause was guarding households with the same coverage he gives today.
LYNN: Then why hasn't he done it for us?
JAMES: I don't know, Mrs. Habersham. You didn't happen to bring your paperwork, did you?
BARRON: Yes, it's right here.
Barron hands James a folder.
JAMES: Let me see here. Termites... abstract... ah, yes. The Blessing Clause. Let me see here... Oh dear. Yep. Just what I thought.
BARRON: What is it?
JAMES: You've read this document, right?
JAMES: Did you catch the terms and conditions clause?
BARRON: Terms and conditions?
JAMES: Right here. "The Lord's curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the home of the righteous."
LYNN: What does that mean?
JAMES: It means the Blessing Clause is null and void if the inhabitants of the house do not walk in righteousness.
BARRON: Modern English, Mr. James. What does that mean?
JAMES: It means, God blesses those who live a righteous life, but his curse is on homes where the people are.... well...
LYNN: Are you calling us wicked?
JAMES: Well, that's not for me to say, Mrs. Habersham. I don't consider other people to be wicked, necessarily, but we're all guilty of wicked thoughts and actions.
BARRON: If that were true, then nobody could have their house blessed.
JAMES: Except by the grace of God, which only comes to those who are righteous.
LYNN: So what's the matter with us? We're good people. It's not like we're tax cheats, right? (pause) Right?
BARRON: You know, I didn't declare all my my eBay earnings last year.
BARRON: How could I? Some paid money order, some Paypal, some checks. It was just easier to say I didn't do anything.
Lynn picks up the Blessing Clause. As they argue, they begin to yell and get in each other's faces.
LYNN: Do you realize what you cost us?
BARRON: Don't start with me! Who spends an hour a night spreading the neighborhood gossip, or trying to figure out which of our neighbors is having an affair?
LYNN: I think we have a right to know if our neighbors are good people.
BARRON: You're addicted to gossip! Admit it! You love all that lurid innuendo!
LYNN: Well I have to get my thrills some place because my husband is too busy watching girls on trampolines and bikini mud wrestling!
BARRON: Maybe if you fixed yourself up now and then, I wouldn't get so distracted by girls in bikinis!
LYNN: Maybe if you paid attention to me as a person and not a thing, I would!
BARRON: You're obviously dressing up for somebody because I've seen the credit card bills!
LYNN: You wanna talk about the credit card? Let's talk about all those charges you racked up on that girlie website in Amsterdam!
They stop, then slowly look over at James, who smiles. Barron and Lynn smile, embarrassed, compose themselves, and sit back down.
BARRON: Okay, that was wicked.
JAMES: Yes, a little bit.
LYNN: I know we don't deserve this, but I have to ask: is there anything we can do to fix this?