The Prodigal Son Starring Yoda, Dobby, and Gollum

A few years ago, someone suggested it might be funny to put Yoda, Gollum, and Dobby in the same skit. It's been two or three years in the making, but a good idea finally came to me.

The Prodigal Son, Starring Yoda, Dobby, and Gollum
By John Cosper

CHARACTERS
Yoda – The Father
Dobby – The Prodigal
Gollum – The Other Brother
Jar Jar Binks – The Narrator
Lily – The Lady
Porky – The Pig

Jar Jar Binks enters.

JAR JAR: Hi-yo. Meesa called Jar Jar Binks. Meesa you humble narrator. Meesa tell you story, okeeday? Once upon a time-o in da galaxy, there was’n a very rich man. He owned lotsa land and cows that given blue milk. His name was-a Yoda.

Yoda enters.

YODA: Very wealthy I am, yes. Prosperous have I been. (laughs)
JAR JAR: Yoda was’n very old.
YODA: Look I so old to young eyes? When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not, hmm?
JAR JAR: Yoda hadden two sons: one was’n call-ed Gollum.

Gollum enters.

GOLLUM: Gollum love Daddy. Daddy love Gollum?
YODA: Love Gollum I do, yes.
GOLLUM: Gollum Daddy’s precioussss!
JAR JAR: And the other was’n call-ed Dobby.

Pause.

JAR JAR: Meesa said, one was’n call-ed Dobby.

Dobby runs on.

DOBBY: Dobby is so sorry, Mr. Narrator. Dobby missed Dobby’s cue. Bad Dobby!
YODA: Bad Dobby is not. A good boy he is, yes.
DOBBY: (bursts into tears) Daddy is so gracious to Dobby!
JAR JAR: One day, while Gollum was at worken…
GOLLUM: Gollum-gollum-gollum.

Gollum runs off.

JAR JAR: Dobby goes’n to Yoda and says:
DOBBY: Father, Dobby would like to receive Dobby’s inheritance so Dobby can seek Dobby’s fortune.
JAR JAR: But Yoda says:
YODA: Too young are you to receive your inheritance. Patient you must be.
DOBBY: If father will not give Dobby what Dobby wants, Dobby will do mean things to father. Like tell young Skywalker who his father is.
YODA: No! Tell him you must not. Give you your inheritance, I will.
JAR JAR: And so, Yoda given Dobby his’n money.
YODA: (hands Dobby some cash) Spend wisely you must.
DOBBY: Dobby will try.
YODA: Try not! Do or do not. There is no try.

Yoda exits.

JAR JAR: Dobby went off’n to da big city where he meet pretty lady.

Lily enters. Dobby offers her a flower.

DOBBY: Dobby has brought you a flower!
LILY: A wed wose, how womantic.
JAR JAR: Too bad for Dobby, all she wanten was his-a money.

Lily takes the cash and leaves Dobby with the flower.

LILY: See you way-ter, oww-i-gater.
JAR JAR: Poor Dobby, so sadden all alone.

Dobby breaks into tears.

DOBBY: Dobby squandered all of father’s money. Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!
JAR JAR: He was-a so broken, he tooken a job feedin’ Porky Pig.

Porky Pig enters.

PORKY: Uh excuse m-m-m-me, D-d-d-dobby, I said n-n-n-n-no g-g-g-g-g-arlic in the spa-spa-spa-spaghetti sauce.
JAR JAR: Then one day, Dobby say to hisself:
DOBBY: Dobby is stuck feeding stuttering pigs and sleeping under stars, while Dobby’s father’s servants have a nice place to sleep. Perhaps Dobby’s father will take Dobby back as his house elf.

Porky exits.

JAR JAR: And so, Dobby goes home to sees his father. But while Dobby still a long ways off, Yoda sees Dobby and runs to him!

Yoda limps on with his cane.

YODA: LaDanian Tomlinson am I not, no.
DOBBY: Father, Dobby has been very bad. Please take Dobby back as your house elf.
YODA: House elf you are not. My son you are. The fattened calf we will kill, a celebration we will have!
JAR JAR: Everyone was-a so happy to sees Dobby… exceptin’ one.

Gollum enters.

GOLLUM: Father has betrayed Gollum. Gollum has been your preciousss. Gollum work hard for father, but Gollum never gets a party?
YODA: My son you are. Love you, I do. But lost was my son Dobby, and now found he is! Bitter you must not be, but celebrate with us, you must.
JAR JAR: And so, da family had a big-o party celebratin’ Dobby’s home bein’. But as for Gollum…
GOLLUM: (to audience as good Gollum) Gollum should be happy. Brother is home. Gollum missed brother. (evil Gollum) No! Gollum not happy! Dobby squandered all Dobby’s inheritance. Gollum should get everything that’s left. (good Gollum) No! Gollum must not think badly of brother. Gollum love brother. (bad Gollum) Dobby already got longer movie deal than Gollum, even though Dobby not near the theatrical achievement Gollum was! (good Gollum) But Gollum won Oscar. (evil Gollum) That’s right. Gollum’s movie win Best Picture. Dobby just annoying sidekick like Jar Jar Binks.

Gollum exits.

JAR JAR: Hey, meesa heard that!