New Skit - Guilt Trips

Guilt Trips
By John Cosper

Alice- A woman filled with guilt
Donny- A health nut
Kate- An animal lover
Ernie- An environmentalist
Jenny- A Christian

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This skit is not intended to be a comment on obesity, animal rights, the environment or anything political. This skit is all about Guilt. Everyone, from politicians to special interest groups, knows how to use it, and Americans LOVE to feel guilty. But I got to wondering, how come we feel so much guilt for the things we've done to the Earth, animals, ethnic groups, even our own bodies while refuse to feel guilty for the things we have done to offend God?

Alice walks on stage wearing a leather jacket, carrying a McDonalds bag and a leather purse with makeup and keys inside. She sits at a table beside a garbage can, takes off her jacket, and pulls out her food. Donny walks on.

DONNY: Excuse me, Miss. Are you… are you eating McDonalds?

ALICE: Yeah.

DONNY: How dare you! How dare you put money into the pockets of those fat mongers! Do you realize that McDonalds is single-handedly responsible for the obesity in America?

ALICE: It is?

DONNY: That's right! Our kids are getting fat, developing diabetes, and dying of heart attacks in the fifth grade. And who's to blame? Your pal with the big red shoes!

ALICE: Oh my gosh!

DONNY: I know. They put that happy clown out there to make you think everything's okay, lure you into a false sense of security as they clog your arteries!

ALICE: Not my arteries!

DONNY: And he's got accomplices, too! The Burger King! The Dairy Queen! Tony the Tiger! Toucan Sam!

ALICE: Not Toucan Sam!

DONNY: Yes, Toucan Sam.

ALICE: I feel so betrayed.

DONNY: And all because people like YOU keep throwing your money at them!

ALICE: Oh my gosh, I never felt so horrible. What can I do to stop this?

DONNY: Repent of your wicked ways! No more sugar cereals, soft drinks, or fast food!

ALICE: I will!

Alice throws her fast food in the garbage.

DONNY: Good for you, sister!

Donny high fives Alice, then exits.

ALICE: Wait, that was my lunch. (shrugs) I'll go to Subway.

Kate enters.

KATE: Oh my goodness! Is that a leather jacket?

ALICE: Yeah, $99.99 at Sears.

KATE: $99.99. Is that the price of the life of a defenseless animal these days?

ALICE: What?

KATE: You heard me! An animal DIED so that you could wear that jacket! A sweet, harmless little cow, probably. They mauled him. And maimed him. And then they skinned him, and threw his carcass away like a piece of rubbish, all so that you could look cook in your $99.99 jacket.

ALICE: I didn't realize… I…

KATE: And what's that? A leather purse?

ALICE: Yes. I mean no. I mean, oh no!

KATE: You heartless, soulless fiend! I bet you even have—

Kate grabs the bag and looks inside.

KATE: I knew it! Cosmetics tested on animals!

ALICE: I didn't test them, I swear!

KATE: And yet you condone their deaths by buying their products!

ALICE: I won't buy them any more! Please, what can I do?

KATE: Throw out that makeup!

ALICE: Okay.

Alice throws out the makeup.

KATE: Now give me that jacket and purse. I'll see they get a decent burial.

Alice hands over her purse and coat, taking her car keys out.

ALICE: Yes, of course. I'm so ashamed. I never felt so guilty.

KATE: It's okay, friend. As of now, you are absolved.

ALICE: Thank you. 

Kate exits.

ALICE: Wait, that's my only jacket. Good thing the truck has a heater.

Ernie enters.

ERNIE: Hey, who owns the death mobile outside?

ALICE: The death mobile?

ERNIE: Yep, that gas guzzlin' SUV out there?

Alice winces, then slowly lifts her keys.

ALICE: It's me.

ERNIE: You make me sick.

ALICE: I know.

ERNIE: Do you hate mother nature?

ALICE: No!

ERNIE: Then why would you EVER drive an SUV?

ALICE: Because I'm pond scum!

ERNIE: Don't you insult pond scum like that! Pond scum is good for the environment! You're nothing but a pollutant!

ALICE: Just take my keys, will you? Take them, take it away!

Ernie takes her keys.

ERNIE: Next time buy a Hybrid!

ALICE: I will!

Ernie exits. Alice sits down.

ALICE: I've never felt so guilty in all my life.

Jenny enters.

JENNY: Hi there.

ALICE: Hi.

JENNY: You look a little down.

ALICE: It's been a rough day.

JENNY: I'm sorry to hear that. Anything I can do to help?

ALICE: Not unless you know some way to take away my guilt.

JENNY: Actually, I know someone who can.

ALICE: You do?

JENNY: Maybe you've heard of him. His name is Jesus. 

ALICE: (hardens a little, sits up) Did you say Jesus?

JENNY: He's God's son. He loves you, and he died to save you from all your sin.

ALICE: Sin? 

JENNY: All the bad things we do that separate us from God.

ALICE: Oh puh-LEASE!!

Alice gets up to storm off. 

JENNY: Where are you going?

ALICE: Sorry, lady. I'm a good person. I don't need YOUR guilt trip.

Alice exits.