John Cosper

New Christmas Skit

Your Father Is Waiting

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Brian, Lisa, Andrea- Staff members at a nursing home

Mr. Clark- An elderly resident

 

Spotlight on a desk or counter at stage left. Brian is at the desk. Lisa walks up with a clipboard in hand.

 

LISA: Brian?

BRIAN: Evening, Lisa.

LISA: I was just checking the shift roster. Why is Andrea still here?

BRIAN: She didn't clock out?

LISA: I just saw her in Mr. Clark's room, so I'm assuming she didn't.

BRIAN: Really? (checks his watch) Is it that late?

LISA: It's ten-thirty.

BRIAN: Not the hour, the month. It's December 23rd.

LISA: So?

BRIAN: Mr. Clark is getting ready for Christmas.

 

Spotlight off on stage left. Spotlight on, stage right. Mr. Clark sits in a chair next to a table. He is elderly, and his hands are crippled. Andrea is in a chair on the other side of the table, taping a wrapped gift. Several wrapped presents are on the floor in front of a tiny tree. Some tubes of wrapping paper and shopping bags are in front of the table.

 

ANDREA: Now who was this for?

CLARK: Jim.

ANDREA: Jim.

CLARK: Jim's a big fisherman. You think he'll like it?

ANDREA: Are you kidding? My husband bookmarked this on the Bass Pro website. He's going to love it.

CLARK: Your husband fishes too?

ANDREA: Oh yes, he loves it.

CLARK: Good. I heard good things about it when I was shopping for him.  

 

Mr. Clark pulls a DVD set out of the bag.

 

CLARK: I bet you can guess who this is for.

ANDREA: The Simpsons, season eight. Must be Amanda.

CLARK: It's her favorite show.

ANDREA: I know. You buy her a new season every year.

CLARK: Thank goodness they keep making them, right? I don't know what I'll do if they ever cancel it.

ANDREA: Let's hope that doesn't happen, huh?

 

Spotlight out, stage right. Spotlight on, stage left.

 

BRIAN: Every fall, Mr. Clark gets online and Christmas shops for his kids. He spends hours on the computer, day after day, until he finds the right gift. Then he and Andrea sit down to wrap them the night before Christmas Eve.

LISA: How long have they been doing this?

BRIAN: Long as Andrea's been here. Another nurse did it for five years prior to that. He loves Christmas. And he's crazy about his kids.  

LISA: I know, I've heard him. How many kids does he have?

BRIAN: Eight or nine. I can never remember.

LISA: That's a lot of presents.

BRIAN: That's not counting their spouses and all the grandkids.

LISA: He shops for all of them?

BRIAN: And he goes all out. Spares no expense. He lives for his children.

 

Spotlight out, stage left. Spotlight on, stage right. Andrea is finishing another package.

 

ANDREA: How many teddy bears does she have?

CLARK: Oh, goodness, I don't know. I don't even think she knows. Her house is just full of them!

ANDREA: I'd love to see it.

CLARK: It's a lovely house too. Of course, I haven't been out there myself for a while.

ANDREA: Maybe you can make a trip this winter.

CLARK: If Dr. Crowe will let me travel.

ANDREA: Maybe I can talk to him, work something out.

CLARK: Oh, don't worry about it. Suzanne's as busy as the others. I don't like to impose. Besides, I get to see her in two days, right?

ANDREA: (hesitates, then) Yes. Yes you do.

 

Spotlight off, stage right. Spotlight on, stage left.

 

LISA: I suppose we could reserve one of the meeting rooms for him. If he's got that many visitors coming, they won't want to cram into his tiny room.

BRIAN: Don't bother, Lisa.

LISA: Why not?

 

Brian is silent.

 

LISA: His kids are coming, right?

BRIAN: Every year he shops for them. Every year, he decorates, he wraps, he goes to the outer limits, hoping to see his kids come back to him. Every year, he waits. Alone. His kids aren't coming. They never do.

 

Spotlight out, stage left. Spotlight on, stage right. Andrea sets the last two presents beneath the tree.

 

ANDREA: How does it look?

CLARK: What do you think? Your eyes are better than mine. 

ANDREA: I think it's perfect.

CLARK: (sighs) Good. When the kids get here, they'll be so excited.

ANDREA: I know I would be.

CLARK: Thank you, Andrea.

 

Mr. Clark pulls a small package out of a bag.

 

CLARK: This one's for you.

ANDREA: Mr. Clark, I'm just doing my job.

CLARK: Take it. Far as I'm concerned, you're one of my kids too.

 

Spotlight off, stage right. Spotlight on, stage left.

 

BRIAN: Nobody knows why his kids rejected him. Or why they continue to stay away. The irony is it just doesn't matter. He has so much love for them, he'd take them back in a heartbeat. Breaks your heart to see a father with so much love ignored by his children. I don't know about you, but I'd give anything to have a father like him.

 

Who wins?

A common line I hear from fellow believers these days is, "Well, at least we know who wins in the end."

 

If you believe the Bible (and Revelation), it's indisputable that Christ will indeed rule over Heaven and Earth one day. It is also beyond dispute that those who accept Christ will live with him forever in Heaven. But if our definition of victory means vindication for our side and defeat for the other side, we are NOT thinking with the mind of Christ.

 

Christ defined what winning means for believers when he said, "Go and make disciples." Whenever we lead someone to Christ, that's a win. Whenever an atheist comes to believe, that's a win. Whenever God is able to work past our shortcomings to reach the lost through our meager efforts, that is a win.

 

Any time a sinner perishes without knowing Christ, that's a loss. It mean we have failed to live out the gospel. It means we have failed to be Christ to someone Jesus died for. And lest we forget, Christ died for EVERY man, woman, and child ever born: the pagan, the atheist, the socialist, the fascist, the totalitarian, the bigot, the womanizer, the racist, the mean, the rude, the crude, the hateful, the criminal - even hypocrites like us.

 

Don't look to the end of times as a "win" over people who are evil, mean, and wrong. If your victory means the damnation of others, you need to look to the example of Christ who, even on the cross, forgave those who cursed him. "Father forgive them. They know not what they do."

V

If you're a fan of science fiction, and a Christian, you need to be watching V.

 

V is not a Christian show. Nor was its predecessor, the 1980's mini-series (that spawned a sequel mini-series, a TV show, and even comic books). The original V was a metaphor for Nazi Germany and the way people willingly surrendered to a totalitarian regime. This new incarnation is about a threat more relevant to today's culture: our need for a Savior, and the blind trust we will put in anything or any one who resembles that Savior.

 

The basic plot is much like that of the original: a reptilian alien race disguised as humans arrives in giant ships, promising peace and prosperity. But these visitors arrive in a time of turmoil and chaos, and they promise to deliver us from the ailments afflicting our society.

 

The majority of people are quickly taken in by the V's, with many joining up with them or bowing to them in devotion. Only a few people refuse to blindly place their trust in the alien visitors. And of course, we soon learn there is tremendous reason to be skeptical about the visitors.

 

Many people were quick to label the series as a metaphor about Obama. But as the show's producers pointed out, the show was conceived during the waning days of the Bush administration. If Obama and Bush have one thing in common, it's a legacy of voters who had "buyer's remose" that they ever voted for them once they started enacting policies.

 

But the producers are not bothered by people who tie the show to Obama or Bush. They're largely content with people finding their own interpretations - especially those drawn to the show's spiritual themes. One of the central characters is a Catholic priest who has seen his church all but die out. Then the V's arrive, and the church is filled with people who want answers as to what's going on and whom they can trust. 

 

If the show stays the course with these themes (and if viewers tune in), this could be a very interesting and powerful show. Regardless, it's nice to see science fiction that makes you think about deeper issues on television twice a week.

 

The other show I speak if is Joss Whedon's increasingly wonderful "Dollhouse." But that's a subject for another day.

Thought for "Heck" Week

It's dress rehearsal week for "Get Smart" at Christian Academy. Once again, the words of Tom Stoppard come to mind from his screenplay, "Shakespeare in Love." I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the gist.

"Allow me to explain the nature of theatre - it is a series of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster."

"So what do we do?"

"Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out in the end!"

"How?"

"I dunno. It's a mystery."

Simple things that might change the world

Turn off the Powerpoint this Sunday. Pull the hymnals out of the back of the pew and sing some of the classics.

Look for common ground in other people, not disagreements.

Stop forcing your non-Christian friends to watch sub-par Christian films; instead, learn to look for God's truth revealed in other films. (Ex. The "desire gives birth to sin; sin leads to death" motif in every horror film ever made.)

Turn off your favorite partisan political commentator and pray - really pray - for your country. Ask the Lord to remove your biases, and to learn to love those you disagree with. If he can do it, so can you.

Don't argue about global warming or the environment. Just shut up and put your trash in the garbage.

Hijack a truckload of Joel Osteen books on Audio CD, and replace the CD's with copies of Jonathan Edwards "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God." (Add your favorite, fluffy, pseudo Christian feel-good book to this list.)

Turn off that reality show, celeb gossip show, etc. and pray for the people who made you tune in in the first place. They need it. So do you.

Do your next Bible study, small group meeting, or missions project some place that (a) isn't your church, (b) isn't a private residence, and (c) doesn't have a beach, arcade, or amusement park adjacent.

Have a book burning. Burn every top selling Christian book you've bought the last ten years. Then for once open up and read your Bible.

Just some thoughts for the weekend.

New Skit for Kids with an Autumn Theme

A Corny Skit

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

The Colonel, Janet, Curly - Ears of corn

 

The Colonel yells from off stage.

 

COLONEL: Atten-hut!! Listen up, troops! The day of harvest is at hand! He who has ears, let him hear!

 

The Colonel, Janet, and Curly run on stage, dressed as corn cobs.

 

JANET: What do you mean, he who has ears? We ARE ears!

CURLY: I though we were corn!

JANET: We're EARS of CORN!

CURLY: We are? (looks around) Is there such thing as an eye of corn? Or a leg of corn? Or how about a spleen of corn?

COLONEL: Enough of that smart talk, soldier! The harvest time is finally here!

CURLY: It is?

COLONEL: Affirmative!

CURLY: Oh boy! (thinks a moment) What's the harvest?

JANET: It's the time when the harvest workers come out to cut down the corn.

COLONEL: That's right! After months of rain and sun and rain and sun, the fields are ripe. Soon, the one who owns the fields will send his workers out to harvest us.

CURLY: It's not gonna hurt is it?

COLONEL: Maybe a just little.

CURLY: Then I don't wanna be harvested! I wanna stay right here.

COLONEL: You listen to me, soldier! Where there's no pain, there's no gain. You're gonna get harvested right along with the rest of us! Is that clear? 

CURLY: Yes, my Colonel!

JANET: Colonel? Why did you call him Colonel?

COLONEL: Well, I'm not a General.

JANET: That has to be the corniest joke ever.

CURLY: Aw shucks.

COLONEL: Now that's the corniest joke ever!

CURLY: Hey, Colonel, what happens if the harvest workers don't come?

COLONEL: Impossible. The harvest workers will always come when they're needed.

CURLY: I know, I know, but what if they didn't come? What would happen?

JANET: It would be bad.

CURLY: Why?

JANET: Because we'd all die!

CURLY: Die? I can't die! Look at me! I've got a strong stalk, green leaves, yellow kernals.

COLONEL: Sure, you got all that going for you now. But if the harvest time passes and no one comes... you're gonna wither up and die.

CURLY: I am?

JANET: We all are! That's why we need the harvest workers to come out while we're ripe!

CURLY: Well, how long do they have? Are we talking days? Weeks? 

COLONEL: At ease, soldier! The ruler of the harvest won't let us down! I know he's sending his people out to get us even as we speak. 

CURLY: What what if they don't listen? What if they're afraid? What if they never come?  

 

A skit for Roman Polanski

Just a reminder, folks: those Hollywood actors who keep telling you what's moral and right and politically correct are the same wise souls who believe the world should forgive statutory rape if the perpetrator is an artistic genius. 

Roland Lopanski Comes Home

By John Cosper

 

CHARACTERS

Brenda- A reporter

Woody Fallen- A director

George Looney- An actor

Roland Lopanski- A murderer

 

BRENDA: Good evening, this is Brenda Williams reporting live from LAX, where we're witnessing history in the making. After more than two decades as a fugitive, the great film director Roland Lopanski is returning to American soil a free man. I'm sure many of our viewers remember the incident twenty-three years ago that made Lopanski a wanted man, when three eight year old children who were trick-or-treating were shot by the eccentric filmmaker on his front porch. Lopanski fled to Europe, Asia, and even Africa, where the CIA finally caught up with him spearheading a campaign of genocide against and oppressed minority. But before the US government could bring the law upon his head, the Hollywood community rose up to his defense. With me now is one of the stars who lobbied for Lopanski's release, an acclaimed filmmaker in his own right, Woody Fallen.

 

Woody enters.

 

WOODY: Hello. Nice to meet you.

BRENDA: Woody, tell us why prosecuting this man for the murder of three children was wrong.

WOODY: Well, look, Brenda, people have to get over this idea that we celebrities are like them. The rules that your ordinary people live by - your factory workers, your plumbers, your dermatologists - they just don't apply to us. We're artists, and we have to do our thing or else, you know, we just can't be creative.

BRENDA: I understand you've had your own problems as of late.

WOODY: Yes, a lot of people didn't understand when I left my sixth wife for her prize dairy cow, but Clover and I are in love, and we're very happy to say we're expecting a little bundle of half-human, half-bovine joy in a matter of weeks now.

 

George enters with a small gift.

 

GEORGE: Hey, Woody.

WOODY: Hello, George.

GEORGE: Here's a gift for Woody Jr.

WOODY: Oh thank you.

GEORGE: My best to Clover.

BRENDA: I don't have to tell our viewers at home who this handsome hunk is. It's Oscar winning actor and Sexiest Man Alive, George Looney.

GEORGE: Thank you.

BRENDA: George, do you still believe the government made the right choice in pardoning Mr. Lopanski for the murder of three kids?

GEORGE: Look, we're all sad about the kids, but what's the greater crime here? Depriving the world of three small children, or depriving the world of twenty-three years of films by Roland Lopanski? The man won four Oscars in three years. How many more would he have won if we hadn't committed this crime against art?

BRENDA: Thank you, George. And it looks like the plane door is opening. A flight attendant is coming out, and now a man... is that Lopanski?

 

Gunshot.

 

GEORGE: Yes, that's him. 

WOODY: Welcome home, Roland! Welcome home!  

 

Roland enters, carrying a gun.

 

ROLAND: Thank you, thank you. It's good to be here.

BRENDA: Excuse me, Mr. Lopanski, but did you just shoot that flight attendant?

ROLAND: She wouldn't give me a third highball.

WOODY: Don't you hate those stupid rules on planes?

ROLAND: They do not know who I am! I am Roland Lopanski!

GEORGE: Welcome home, old boy.

ROLAND: You, George Looney, I hear you are making another Oceans movie.

GEORGE: That's right. We start shooting Oceans 14 next week.

ROLAND: That's what you think.

 

Roland shoots and kills George.

 

BRENDA: You shot George Looney!

ROLAND: I did it for art! I hate those movies!

WOODY: Genius! Sheer genius!

BRENDA: So, uh, Mr. Lopanski, what do you plan to do now that you are home?

ROLAND: First, I am going to go shoot prosecutor who tried to put me in jail. Then I have list of all the bloggers who said I should be in jail. I am going to shoot them as well. And in between, I am going to make a movie about a woman on a journey of self-discovery.

WOODY: I smell Oscar!

ROLAND: Of course you do! I am Roland Lopanski!

WOODY: Hey, Roland, look, the Olsen twins are here to audition for your film.

 

Roland shoots off stage twice.

 

ROLAND: They do not get the part.

WOODY: Come on. I'll take you to dinner. Then we can go shoot my ex-wife.

ROLAND: Sixth wife? Woody, when will you learn?

 

Roland and Woody start to exit.

 

BRENDA: So, Roland Lopanski is back. Back in America, back to making films, and back to killing people. (getting angry) I don't know how you folks at home feel about it, but if you ask this reporter--

 

Roland walks back to Brenda, aiming the gun at her.

 

BRENDA: (backtracking in fear) I could not be happier. This is Brenda Williams, on the run in Los Angeles.

 

Brenda drops her mic and runs off.

Is this the end of Human Videos???

Captivating headline, isn't it?

I've gone back and forth on this for the last few years, but I've decided once again to put the Human Videos website (www.humanvideo.info) up "for sale."

Human Video is a very popular form of drama used in many churches and youth groups across the country. I've written a few myself ("Criminal," "DC-10," and "Iron Man" are all on the website), and yes, I've directed a few. But HV is not exactly a passion for me. I'm a script guy. I like dialogue and word play, and I've never been big on pantomime.

As a result, the site is rarely (if ever) updated. There are new HV's showing up on youtube and tangle and other video sites daily, with more being created in churches across the country. HumanVideo.info averages about 100 hits a day itself, but as I said, it's just not a passion. Plus I have too many websites to keep updated as it is.

My hope is that somewhere out there is a web-saavy HV enthusiast who has been looking for an opportunity to share what they do best with others on the web. I'll transfer the domain ownership to them, and provide them with all of the content currently on the site so they can set it up with their own hosting service. From there... well, it's all up to you. Re-vamp it, re-design it, whatever. It's your site, your ministry, your passion.

I'm not asking any price for the rights to the domain; I'll let you have it. You just need to take over paying the domain fees and pay any transfer fees to establish your own site. You're not going to get this good a deal from a domain squatter, I assure you.

The domain name is paid up through August of 2010, which means there's about ten months left until doomsday. Unless I can find someone to take it off my hands, I will simply let it lapse and go away.

So there you go, HV fans. Spread the word, and if you decide this might be a project for you, email me at john@righteousinsanity.com to discuss how we can make it happen.

New skit for Halloween!

The Jack-O-Lantern Skit

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Dale and Marv - Jack-O-Lanterns

 

From off stage, voices are heard.

 

MARV: Hey, let’s try in here.

DALE: In where?

MARV: This door, over here.

 

Dale and Marv enter dressed as Jack-O-Lanterns with big, funny smiles.

 

DALE: This does not look like the way to the pumpkin patch.

MARV: Let's just see where it leads.

DALE: Do you have any idea where we are?

 

Marv stops when he sees the audience.

 

MARV: Whoops.

DALE: What?

MARV: I think we took a wrong turn.

 

Dale sees the audience.

 

DALE: Uh oh!

MARV: (to Dale) Boy, this is awkward, huh?

DALE: What are we gonna do?

MARV: Leave it to me. (to the audience) Eh, hi there. Sorry, we're a little lost. Just trying to find the pumpkin patch.

DALE: What are you doing?

MARV: Just being polite.

DALE: To them?

MARV: Yeah. Why not?

DALE: Look around you, Marv. Do you realize where we are? 

MARV: (looks around) Looks kind of like a church.

DALE: Exactly! We're in a church, with Christians!

MARV: Yes?

DALE: Christians don't like us, Marv.

MARV: I thought Jesus loved everybody.

DALE: I know he did. But they don't.

MARV: Come on, Dale, that's not fair. I'm sure a lot of them love everybody just like Jesus.

DALE: But we're not everybody. We're Jack-O-Lanterns.

MARV: So?

DALE: So??? We're symbols of Halloween! 

MARV: I know that.

DALE: Christians hate Halloween!

MARV: That's so silly. Why would they... oh, you mean the ghosts and goblins thing.

DALE: Yes! People think of Halloween as a Satanic holiday with witches and monsters and demons.

MARV: Oh my!

DALE: I'm serious, Marv, we need to get away from these people.

MARV: Dale, I am surprised at you. Don't you realize how much in common we have with these people?

DALE: What?

MARV: Think about it, Dale. What were we before we became Jack-O-Lanterns?

DALE: Pumpkins.

MARV: That's right, pumpkins, with no expressions on our faces and a bunch of gunk filling up our insides. Then someone came along, scooped all the junk out of us, and put big smiles on our bellies. 

DALE: Marv, why do we have smiles on our bellies?

MARV: Don't ask questions like that. You'll ruin the suspension of disbelief.

DALE: Sorry.

MARV: Then that same fella who gave us these smiles also put a light inside of us, bright enough to shine on the whole world. Doesn't that sound like a Christian to you?

DALE: Yeah, I think I get it now.

MARV: I thought you would.

DALE: I guess them Christians aren't so bad after all.

MARV: I tried to tell you.

DALE: You were right. But that still doesn't get us any closer to the pumpkin patch.

MARV: I know, I know. (to the audience) Hey, can anyone direct us to the pumpkin patch? Or at least, you know, outdoors?

 

Wait for a response from the audience, then the Jack-O-Lanterns begin to exit.

 

MARV: See? I told you they weren't all bad.

DALE: You sure, Marv? Some of these men are giving me a look.

MARV: That’s because you remind them of pumpkin pie.

DALE: Savages!

New skit - Are You Being Judged?

Are You Being Judged?

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Heidi- A receptionist

Carl- A bit of a spiritual masochist

Mick- A judgment professional

 

A table and two chairs are set at center. Heidi sits at a desk stage left. Carl enters, stage right, and walks up to Heidi.

 

HEIDI: Can I help you?

CARL: I'd like to be judged, please.

HEIDI: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

CARL: Uh, no. This is my first time.

HEIDI: (picks up a clipboard) What is your name, please?

CARL: Carl McMillan.

HEIDI: And Carl, have you ever, or are you currently now, violating any of the Ten Commandments, and if so, which ones?

CARL: Oh, I guess I've probably broken them all.

HEIDI: Okay.

CARL: Smashed them to bits, in fact.

HEIDI: I see.

CARL: Carl's a naughty boy, ha ha.

HEIDI: Very good. And do you prefer Protestant or Catholic guilt?

CARL: Which do you recommend?

HEIDI: Well, since it's your first time, I would say start with the Protestant, and if that's not intense enough, you can move on to Catholic.

CARL: Protestant will be fine then.

HEIDI: Good. Please have a seat at the table. Mr. Turner will be out in just a moment.

CARL: Thank you.

 

Heidi exits stage left. Carl sits at the table. Mick enters with Heidi's clipboard, looks at Carl, and shakes his head in disgust. He walks over. Carl offers Mick his hand.

 

CARL: You must be Mr. Turner.

MICK: (condescendingly) You're McMillan?

CARL: Nice to meet--

MICK: I'm not shaking your hand.

CARL: What?

MICK: (screaming) I said put that hand away, you reprobate!

CARL: (on the defensive) What did you call me?

MICK: Shut your mouth, you worm!

CARL: Look, I just wanted--

MICK: If it were up to me, demon food like you wouldn't be allowed on the premises, you blasphemer! You adulterer! You vile, contemptible coveter of othe people's things!

 

Mick starts to sniff the air.

 

MICK: Do you smell that?

CARL: Smell what?

MICK: That smell. I know that smell. It's the smell of... burning sulfur.

CARL: Sulfur?

MICK: They're stoking the fires of Hell for you, you putrid, disgusting sinner!

CARL: (genuinely impressed) Wow! You are really good at this!

MICK: (out of character) You think so?

CARL: Yes. I feel totally condemned right now, and a bit insulted.

MICK: Only a bit?

CARL: It takes a lot to insult me, mind you.

MICK: Well thank you. That means a lot. Especially coming from someone who (back in character) violates the Sabbath and disobeys his parents!

CARL: (defensive) You never knew my parents or you'd--

MICK: (back to screaming) The Lord doesn't care! You respect your parents, or you get thrown in the flames of Hell!

CARL: Oh for the love of--

MICK: Don't even take the Lord's name in vain in front of me, you idolatrous Philistine!

 

The conversation goes back to being cordial.

 

CARL: Oooh, Philistine! I like that.

MICK: Always was my favorite.

CARL: How long you been doing this?

MICK: Three months.

CARL: You judge like a pro.

MICK: Thank you.

CARL: You like your work?

MICK: I do, actually. It's challenging, and always different.

CARL: You ever run out of names to call people?

MICK: No, no, we have a pretty extensive database we use for training.

CARL: No wonder you're so good. Give me some more.

MICK: My pleasure. (screams) You lecherous louse! You lying sack of pestilent garbage! I wouldn't feed your cold, dead carcass to my hounds for fear they would be drug into the pit with you!

CARL: Wow, I got a chill that time.

MICK: (calm again) Came up with that on my own. You like it? 

CARL: I do! It definitely gets the point across.

MICK: You been in here before?

CARL: No, no, a friend told me about this. Said it was a rare guilty pleasure of his.

MICK: Really? Who's your friend?

CARL: Jeremy Stills.

MICK: (screams) Jeremy Stills? That vicious, bottom-dwelling, slug of a man?

CARL: Ha ha ha, that's Jeremy.

MICK: He's a good man. I mean except for the fact that he's (screaming) going to Hell!

CARL: He was telling me that people used to get judged for free.

MICK: That's true. In fact for centuries after Christ, Christians were running around maliciously judging people left and right.

CARL: Really?

MICK: Oh yes. They were quite notorious.

CARL: What happened?

MICK: Well, it's hard to say, but the long and short of it is, one day, Christians just stopped judging their neighbors.

CARL: How odd!

MICK: Well, it's not Christ-like, you know? Running around, judging other people? Christ left the judgment to his Heavenly Father and focused on leading people to salvation. Once the Christians caught on to that, churches went from half empty to over-flowing. 

CARL: Now why is that, I wonder?

MICK: Not everyone likes being judged you know. When you tell people they're reprehensible sinners bound for the Lake of Fire, most of them get defensive.

CARL: I see.

MICK: It's kind of a niche market we're in.

CARL: Indeed.

MICK: I'm sorry, we're on your time, and you wanted to be judged.

CARL: Oh you're fine. This was interesting.

MICK: (angry again) Yeah? You won't find it so interesting when the devil plucks your entrails from your gullet with a pitchfork you beer swilling, tobacco smoking, drug using, rock and roll listening, Hollywood worshipping, MSNBC watching, left wing voting, Oprah Winfrey book of the month club reading pile of rat droppings!

CARL: (applauding) Wow. Marvelous! Absolutely marvelous. You really cut me down to size on that one!

MICK: You think that's bad, you should try Catholic guilt some time.

CARL: Why not now? 

MICK: Well, if you think you're ready for it.

CARL: Bring it on.

MICK: Wait right here. Let me see if the Inquisition chamber is free.

 

Mick exits.