John Cosper

Free Skit - Lost Play by Chekov

Classical theater folks may not like this. Geeks will, especially those who are counting down to Friday's new releases. 

The Lost Play By Chekov

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com  

ACTOR- Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to bear witness to a truly unique event in the history of Theater. Scholars and literary historians from the United States, working in conjunction with scholars from Russia, have verified a rare and unique find. These scholars can now confirm the discovery of a new play by Chekov. Written near the end of his life, this autobiographical play centers on a truly unique moment in the life of one of our most treasured playwrights. Right now, for the first time anywhere, we proudly present the lost play by Chekov!

The Actor exits. Another actor, playing Chekov in all black, enters. He stops at center, bows his head in reflection and preparation, then looks up and begins. 

CHEKOV- (broken Russian accent) Hello. We are looking for the Naval Base at Alameda. Can you tell me where the nuclear wessels are? (pause) Nuclear wessels! We are looking for the nuclear wessels at Alameda. Can you tell me how to get to the nuclear wessel base at Alameda? Nuclear wessels. Can you tell me where to find the nuclear wessels? 

Chekov bows his head. The Actor enters. 

ACTOR- Well who were you expecting, Anton? 

Free skit - Kissing My Sister

Old classic from the Sunday School Dropouts days. This one was made into an audio sketch by Jeff Roney and Tatooine TV. Enjoy! 

Kissing My Sister

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com 

 

CHARACTERS

Announcer

Luke Skywalker

Ben Kenobi

 

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, George Lucas can't seem to leave things well enough alone. Next year, Mr. Lucas has decided to re-release his original Star Wars trilogy, this time as the Extra-Special Editions, with even more new scenes added in. Most of the changes will be minor, but there is one big moment added back in to Return of the Jedi. And today, you're getting a sneak preview of the original, uncut Dagobah scene, when Luke Skywalker learns the identity of his twin sister...

 

Luke and Ben sit on a log. 

 

LUKE- Yoda spoke of another. 

BEN- The other he spoke of is your twin sister. 

LUKE- But I have no sister. 

BEN- Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous. 

LUKE- Leia! Leia is my sister!

BEN- Your insights serve you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do you credit. But they could--

LUKE- WHOA!!!

BEN- Excuse me, I was making a point?

LUKE- Oh my gosh... oh my GOSH!! 

BEN- Something the matter?

LUKE- Ben, Leia is my sister!!

BEN- Yes. 

LUKE- She's my sister!

BEN- Yes, I know. We covered that.

LUKE- I kissed my sister!

BEN- You what?

LUKE- I kissed my SISTER!

BEN- That's not uncommon for a brother and a sister to show affection with a kiss. 

LUKE- I kissed her on the LIPS, Ben!

BEN- When did this happen?

LUKE- On the Death Star! She and I were on a ledge. The bridge was out, so I threw a rope and she held on and before we swung across--

BEN- You kissed her?

LUKE- No, no technically... she kissed me. You know, "for luck."

BEN- In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. 

LUKE- Well, in my experience that would be called pretty BAD luck to kiss your sister. 

BEN- Right, well, as I was saying, bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do--

LUKE- WHOA!!! 

BEN- Now what? 

LUKE- HOLY CRAP!! I forgot about Hoth!!

BEN- What about Hoth? 

LUKE- (gagging) Ewww!!

 

Luke gets on his knees starts gagging. He scoops swamp water in his mouth and gargles and spits.

 

BEN- What's wrong now? 

LUKE- I kissed her again. A couple years later, we were on Hoth, she and Han were having this fight, and then she grabbed me and that time (gagging) OH MY--

 

Luke gargles and spits some more nasty swamp water.

 

BEN- Are you feeling okay?

LUKE- I kissed my sister!!

BEN- So you keep saying. 

LUKE- No, I mean I FRENCH-kissed her, Ben! I FRENCHED my sister!!

BEN- You know, it's not doing you any good to dwell on this. 

LUKE- You! You did this to me! You've known all along! Haven't you?

BEN- What, that you were hot for your sister?

LUKE- You KNEW on Tatooine that I was looking at a film of my own sister and you NEVER TOLD ME?

BEN- That's not important, Luke. 

LUKE- Not important??? Telling the poor, never-been-kissed farm boy that the hot, sexy princess he's flying off to rescue is his fine lookin' sister is NOT IMPORTANT?

BEN- It's not like I knew you'd stick your tongue down her throat!

LUKE- Then what the heck is that stupid Force good for if you can't stop your student from FRENCHING HIS SISTER???

BEN- Can we finish this so you can go kill your father? 

LUKE- Kill my father? Right! Sure! As soon as he finds out I made out with my sister, he's gonna kill ME!

BEN- You know, Luke... forget it. Just forget it! Go fight Vader, get yourself killed. We've got another Jedi to train in Leia, so if you can't kill Daddy, maybe she can. 

 

Ben stands, walks off.

 

LUKE- Yeah whatever. Train my sister, see if I care. (beat) Just make sure you don't mention the fact she played tonsil hockey with her BROTHER!!! 

 

Love's not the only thing that drives away fear

I left work early today to go to the dentist. My dentist is also my father-in-law. It's funnier if you also know he's a pediatric dentist, and even funnier when you learn that a week before I married his daughter, he did my first filling. 

Being a pediatric dentist mean he does things as pain-free and non-scary as possible, but it's still the dentist, they still do all that scraping and poking - and truth be told, I hadn't been since that week before I married his daughter six and a half years ago. 

I was taking a back road from work to his office, asking God for a little peace to get me through the afternoon, when I spotted something in the road. From a distance, it looked like a piece of strapping or tape that had blown into the road. Instinctively, I swerved left so as to run over the object but not hit it with my tires. I was about ten feet away from the mysterious debris when my entire body, head to toe, tensed up in sheer terror as the debris raised it's head and slithered in front of me. 

It was not strapping, or tape, or debris. It was a snake. 

With every muscle tensed and my blood pressure spiking (yes, i really, really hate snakes), I rolled over the snake, expecting to hear some sort of crunch or bump. There was no bump, and as I passed the cold-blooded jaywalker (jayslitherer?), my eyes flipped to the rear view mirror. He was alive, but clearly agitated, quite possibly just as panic-stricken and terrified as I was. 

In that moment, two distinct voices began screaming in my head.

Said the first, "You missed it you idiot! Hit the brakes, back it up, go back and kill it! Kill it, kill it, kill it!!!" 

Said the second, "No, you fool, if you go back it will get you! If it doesn't get you, it's snakey buddies will come after you and avenge their friend! Drive! Drive! Drive!" 

As God is my witness, I could not tell which of the two voices was more irrational. 

I don't know if the snake made it across the road. I don't know why it was crossing the road to begin with. But I do know this. Every ounce of fear and worry about the dentist visit was gone - all because God sent a snake. 

Free books on Kindle this week!

Starting tomorrow, you can get most of my fiction works on Kindle for free! 

Martian Queen, Cave World, Demonica, Space Monster, and This Would Make a Great Movie will all be free from May 1-5. Friday through Sunday you can also get Shell Game, and Saturday only you can get The Shell Collector. 

You can find all these books on my Author Page at Amazon.com! 

It's all to mark the release of my latest short film The Telemarketer, based on a short story from This Would Make a Great Movie, premiering at the MayDay Film Festival this weekend in Evansville. 

Please give these books a look and pass the word. Would love to hit over 1000 downloads this week! 

Free Skit about John 3:16

Simple, fun, easy bit for kids on the Bible verse they all learn first. Enjoy! 

 

The Greatest Verse

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com 

 

CHARACTERS

Lesa- A children’s ministry worker

Vinnie- The greatest movie and TV trailer announcer in the world

 

A microphone is at center. Vinnie enters from stage right. Lesa enters stage left. 

 

VINNIE: (in a deep, velvety baritone) Hello. You must be Lesa. 

LESA: And you must be-

VINNIE: The world’s greatest announcer. 

LESA: Wow, your voice sounds even more awesome than in a movie theater. 

VINNIE: Thank you. 

LESA: Did you go to school for that? 

VINNIE: School? Ha ha ha no. This voice was a gift from God. 

LESA: What a coincidence, because today, we’re going to have you read about the greatest gift God ever gave us. 

VINNIE: Carrot cake? 

LESA: Excuse me? 

VINNIE: Cheesecake? The greatest gift God ever gave us? 

LESA: Uhh, no, not carrot cake. It’s better. 

VINNIE: Better than carrot cake? 

LESA: Much better. 

VINNIE: Cool. I can’t wait. 

LESA: Well, let’s get to it. You know your line? 

VINNIE: I sure do. 

LESA: Any questions? 

VINNIE: Yes. Would you like me to add one of my signature intros? 

LESA: Signature intros? 

VINNIE: Yes, something like, “Coming next summer...” or “Tuesday night, following NCIS...” 

LESA: You know as lovely as that sounds, this one’s kind of been a classic on its own for two thousand years. 

VINNIE: Say no more. I’ll stick to the script. 

LESA: Thank you. Let’s cue the music, and go. 

 

Lesa steps aside. Play dramatic music. (Note: this can be anything from Aaron Copeland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man,” to Europe’s “The Final Countdown.”) 

 

VINNIE: For God... so loved... the girls. 

LESA: Stop! 

 

The music stops. 

 

VINNIE: What’s the matter? I thought that was great! 

LESA: It sounded amazing, but that’s not the line. 

VINNIE: It’s not? 

LESA: It’s “For God so loved the WORLD.” 

VINNIE: Oh, that’s right. 

LESA: He loves everyone, not just the boys and girls.

VINNIE: But the girls are part of the world. I think they’d like to know God loves them. 

LESA: I know they would. But I know the boys don’t want to be left out. 

VINNIE: Oh right. Sorry, boys. 

LESA: Let’s go again? 

VINNIE: Let’s go! 

LESA: Play back! 

 

Play dramatic music. 

 

VINNIE: For God... so loved... the world... he gave his only forgotten son....

LESA: Stop!! 

VINNIE: What’s the matter? I said the world! 

LESA: Yes, I know, but it’s not his only forgotten son. It’s his only BEGOTTEN son...

VINNIE: It is? 

LESA: Yes. 

VINNIE: That’s a funny word. What’s it mean? 

LESA: It means the son - Jesus - is the only true son of God. 

VINNIE: Wow. I guess a guy like that is hard to forget! 

LESA: Yes, he is. 

VINNIE: Okay, I got this. Let’s roll again. 

LESA: Play back! 

 

Play dramatic music. 

 

VINNIE: For God... so loved... the world... he gave his only begotten son... that whosoever believes in him would not carrots...

LESA: Stop! 

VINNIE: What did I do this time? 

LESA: You said carrots. 

VINNIE: I’m sorry. I got to thinking about carrot cake again and how yummy it is. 

LESA: The word is perish. It means die. 

VINNIE: As in, whosoever believes in him will not die? 

LESA: Yes! 

VINNIE: That does sound better than carrot cake. 

LESA: One more time? 

VINNIE: Roll it. 

LESA: Play back! 

 

Play dramatic music. 

 

VINNIE: For God... so loved... the world... he gave his only begotten son... that whosoever believes in him would not perish, but have eternal wife. 

LESA: Stop!!!

VINNIE: Aw man! 

LESA: It’s not eternal wife. It’s eternal life. 

VINNIE: I’m sorry. It’s just a lot to remember all at once, you know? I know it’s important, but it’s hard to memorize all that. 

LESA: Not really. 

 

Have Lesa pull a kid from the audience (someone pre-selected) to come up and recite the verse at the microphone. 

 

After the verse, finish the scene. 

 

VINNIE: That was good. That was very good. 

LESA: I told you. 

VINNIE: Does that mean what I think it does? 

LESA: Yes it does. 

VINNIE: Wow. That is a better gift than carrot cake. 

 

The Telemarketer - World Premiere in 9 days!

Very proud to announce that after several years of false starts and false hopes, "The Telemarketer" will have its world premiere on May 4, 2013 at the MayDay Film Festival in Evansville, Indiana. 

"The Telemarketer" is based on a short story from the book This Would Make a Great Movie." It's a bold look into the future, where those annoying telemarketers will have a new tool to help them get their product in front of potential buyers - teleportation. 

Huge thanks to Cindy Maples for not only starring in the film, but taking the lead as producer to make it happen. This is a very funny film highlighting the talents and hard work of a number of folks from the Evansville indie film community, and I can't wait to get it in front of an audience! 

Call me Snake

The great Christian comedy team Isaac Air Freight did a classic version of the Prodigal Son story using the characters from Bonanza. Little Joe was the prodigal, Hoss was the other brother, and Hop Sing even had a cameo. There were some great references to Little House on the Prairie and Battlestar Galactica tossed in as well.  

 

Yesterday, while writing a VBS script about the Garden of Eden, I had a similar idea: what if you staged the story of the Fall using an actor dressed as Snake Plisskin as the serpent? From the response on I received on Facebook, sounds like there are more than a few people who would enjoy such an interpretation. One person even commented that Eve could look like Adrienne Barbeau.

 

If you could re-imagine a Bible story using TV or movie characters (not changing the story, just presenting it in a TV/movie context), what would you do?

Free Skit - What Stinks In Here?

What Stinks In Here? 

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com 

 

CHARACTERS

Gilbert- A man who hates being in the pool

April- A reporter

 

Gilbert and April stand at center. April holds a microphone. She is interviewing him for TV, looking into the camera held by an invisible cameraman. 

 

APRIL: Well, summer is here, and kids and adults alike are all headed for the pool. But there is one man in this country who won’t be at the pool, and it’s this man, Gilbert Convy. 

GILBERT: Hello. 

APRIL: Hard as it is to believe Gilbert does not like the pool, is that... 

 

April sniffs. 

 

GILBERT: What? 

APRIL: I’m sorry, do you smell that? 

GILBERT: Smell what? 

APRIL: Something stinks around here. I mean really stinks! 

GILBERT: I don’t smell nothing. 

APRIL: Hmm. Anyway, Gilbert, is it true you do not like the pool? 

GILBERT: That’s right, I do not. 

APRIL: Really? You don’t smell that? 

GILBERT: Really, I... smell what? 

APRIL: Ugh, it smells like a dog barfed in a day old diaper. A bad one too! 

GILBERT: I don’t smell nothing! 

APRIL: How can you not smell it? It’s so foul? 

GILBERT: Are you gonna interview me or what? 

APRIL: I’m sorry, Gilbert. You were about to tell us why you don’t like the pool. 

GILBERT: I just don’t see what the big deal is about water. It’s not like we got gills and fins or nothing. We’re land creatures, so when we go under the water--

APRIL: I can hardly breathe! 

GILBERT: Exactly! We can’t breathe underwater! 

APRIL: Not underwater! Right now! Ohh, that smell! 

GILBERT: What smell??? 

APRIL: How can you not smell that? It smells like Bigfoot played a game of one on one basketball in the hot sun, then rolled around in garbage! 

GILBERT: How do you know how Bigfoot smells? 

APRIL: I’m sorry. We’re not here to discuss Bigfoot. We’re here to discuss pools. 

 

April looks around and sniffs. 

 

GILBERT: That’s right. I don’t like pools. And I don’t like hot tubs or even baths. Maybe it’s just me--

APRIL: Oh my goodness, it is you!! 

GILBERT: Say what? 

APRIL: That smell! It’s you! 

GILBERT: It is not! 

APRIL: You smell like someone dumped rotten eggs and cow poo in a mixer and hit puree! 

GILBERT: I’ve never been so insulted! 

APRIL: I don’t mean to insult you, it’s just... you stink! 

GILBERT: I do not! 

APRIL: Back me up, camera guy, doesn’t he-- Hey, where’s my camera guy? 

GILBERT: Is that him over there, with the camera on his shoulder barfing into a garbage can? 

APRIL: I can understand why! You smell putrid! 

GILBERT: I won’t stand for this! I came here to talk about pools, not body odor! 

APRIL: You know what? You need a dip in the pool! I think it might help! 

GILBERT: No way! Pools are nasty! I step into a pool, all of a sudden, I’m surrounded by all this brown, murky, yucky liquid that foams all around me! 

APRIL: That’s all the dirt and filth on you because you never go in the water! 

 

Gilbert pauses, considering this. 

 

GILBERT: Really? That’s not some chemical put in there by the CIA to make me their slave? 

APRIL: No! Water washes our bodies and leaves us feeling refreshed and... and clean! 

GILBERT: Maybe I should go take a swim. 

 

Gilbert runs off. April takes a deep breath of relief. 

 

APRIL: Wow, that was awful, but it sounds like there might be a clean ending after all. I’m April, and I think I’m gonna go barf too. 

Free Skit - Happy Together

Sorry to those of you who look for my weekly free skit on Monday. I had a stomach virus knock me out of commission late Sunday, so Monday was kind of a loss. 

Here's something fresh and new for you. Nice camp setting, and a fun little piece about friendship. Or maybe romance. Either way, hope you enjoy. 

 

Happy Together

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com 

 

CHARACTERS

Adam and Tina - Camp counselors

Clarence and Doris - Nerdy indoor kids

 

Adam enters stage right.

 

ADAM: Clarence? Clarence, where are you? Come on, Clarence, it's time to learn how to canoe! You'll like canoeing! You can wear a life vest if you're scared! Clarence? Come on, your parents paid a lot of money for this, so stop being a nerd and come have fun!

 

Adam runs off stage left. Clarence runs on, stage right, out of breath. He pulls out an inhaler and takes a puff. He pulls out his cell phone and types.

 

CLARENCE: Help me! Stuck at summer camp! Trying to make me canoe! I am going to drown! Hashtag, worst summer ever!

TINA: (off) Doris!

 

Clarence hides stage right. Tina enters stage left.

 

TINA: Doris, where are you? Doris, it's time for our hike! You'll love hiking! We might see some birds, and some woodland creatures! There's no bears I promise! Doris!

 

Tina exits stage right. Doris enters stage left. She's out of breath and takes a puff of her inhaler. She pulls out her phone and types.

 

DORIS: Help! Camp counselor's gone insane! Wants me to hike! Allergic to plants, birds, squirrels, and hiking! I am going to die! Hashtag, worst summer ever!

 

Clarence checks his phone and reads. Then he types.

 

CLARENCE: At Spock Girl, feel your pain. Camp is for the birds! Want to go home and watch Star Trek! Hashtag, worst summer ever!

 

Doris reads Clarence's message on her phone.

 

DORIS: At Beam Me Up Snotty, I have all Trek episodes on my phone! Trek is better than camp! Hashtag, worst summer ever!

CLARENCE: At Spock Girl, that is cool. Smiley face. Wish you were at Camp Pinewood. Hashtag, worst summer ever.

DORIS: At Beam Me Up Snotty, I am at Camp Pinewood! Hashtag, worst summer ever.

 

Play "Happy Together" by the Turtles. Clarence comes out of hiding. Doris and Clarence spot each other.

 

CLARENCE: Do you prefer the original series or Next Generation?

DORIS: I love them all!

CLARENCE: Wanna be my friend?

DORIS: Sure!

 

They start to skip off stage. Doris trips.

 

CLARENCE: Are you okay?

DORIS: Yes. Can we just walk off? I'm not a good skipper.

 

They exit stage right. Fade the song out. Tina enters stage left. Adam enters stage right.

 

TINA/ADAM: (to each other) Have you seen a nerdy kid?

ADAM: You lost one too, huh?

TINA: Yeah, she doesn't want to hike. Says she's allergic to everything.

ADAM: Mine doesn't want to canoe.

TINA: Rotten kids. Their parents paid all that money.

ADAM: I know, I know.

TINA: It's not like I LIKE making them do things they don't want to do.

ADAM: I don't like canoeing either.

TINA: Or hiking!

ADAM: I only took this job because couldn't get into clown college!

TINA: Me too.

 

Play "Happy Together" again. Adam and Tina look at each other slowly. They both reach in their pockets and pull out red clown noses. Adam puts his on her. She puts hers on him. They join hands and skip off stage left together.

 

 

Free Skit - Are We There Yet?

Really, really proud of this one. A good cast that can improv can take this skit and make it the funniest one seen on your stage in years. Enjoy! 

 

Are We There Yet?

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

 

CHARACTERS

Moses

Sarah, George, Sharon, Brian, and Julia- Ungrateful brats

 

Six chairs are arranged on stage facing the audience in three rows of two like a mini-van. Moses is in the driver’s seat. Sharon’s in the front passenger seat. Julia and Brian are in the middle, and Sarah and George are in the back. 

 

SARAH: Are we there yet? 

MOSES: No. 

SARAH: Are we there yet? 

MOSES: No. 

SARAH: Are we there yet? 

MOSES: No. 

BRIAN: I need to go potty. 

MOSES: We just stopped for a potty. 

BRIAN: Well I need to stop again! 

GEORGE: I’m hungry! 

JULIA: Can you turn the radio on? 

MOSES: No. 

JULIA: Why not? 

MOSES: Because we’re in the middle of the wilderness! There’s no radio out here. 

SARAH: Are we there yet? 

MOSES: No! 

GEORGE: I need a drink! 

SHARON: Do you even know where we are? 

MOSES: Sort of. 

SHARON: What do you mean, sort of? 

MOSES: We’re going to the Promised Land. 

SHARON: How far is it? 

MOSES: I don’t know. 

SHARON: How long til we get there? 

MOSES: I don’t know! 

BRIAN: I need to go potty! 

MOSES: We’ll stop for a potty in a little while. 

JULIA: Can you put in some Van Halen? I love Van Halen.

MOSES: I don’t have any Van Halen. 

JULIA: What about Bon Jovi? 

MOSES: I don’t have Bon Jovi. 

JULIA: Well what music do you have? 

MOSES: I don’t have any music! 

JULIA: (groans) This is so boring!

SHARON: So you have no idea where this land is? 

MOSES: No.

SHARON: Then how will we get there? 

MOSES: God will show us. 

SHARON: You know who else could show us? On-Star! You press that button, and a nice On-Star rep will tell us where we ARE!!

SARAH: Are we there YET?? 

MOSES: No!!

BRIAN: I need to go potty!

MOSES: I don’t need On-Star, okay? 

SHARON: Do you have a map? 

MOSES: Do you see that pillar of cloud out there? God’s in that cloud, and that’s how I know where to go. 

GEORGE: Does the pillar of cloud know where we can find a McDonalds? 

MOSES: There are no McDonalds out here! 

GEORGE: But I’m starving! 

MOSES: God will provide our food! 

GEORGE: He better have fries with it! 

SARAH: Are we there yet? 

MOSES: NO!!

BRIAN: I need to go potty - NOW!! 

SHARON: So what happens when it gets dark? Hmm? You can’t see a pillar of cloud at night. 

MOSES: Then God will give us a pillar of fire. 

SHARON: Oh that sounds safe. Tailgating a pillar of fire as we blaze down the Interstate? 

JULIA: AC/DC wrote a song about that. Do you have an AC/DC? 

MOSES: NO!! 

JULIA: I want some music!! 

GEORGE: If I don’t get anything to eat, I’m going to die!! 

SARAH: Are we there YET???

MOSES: NO!!!!

BRIAN: I NEED TO GO POTTY!!!

 

Moses slams on the brakes. Sound effect of squealing brakes. Everyone dips forward and then back. 

 

BRIAN: Never mind, just went. 

MOSES: All right, I’ve had about enough of this. I took you people out of slavery and bondage! I’m taking you to the land God promised our ancestor Abraham, a land of milk and honey! And what have I heard ever since we left? I wanna eat! I wanna go potty! I wanna hear the radio! Are we there yet? 

SHARON: On-Star. 

MOSES: God has promised to give us a home, food, security, and yes, there will be toilets and radio! But if you all don’t stop whining and crying and complaining, so help me I will turn this van around and take you all straight back to Egypt! 

ALL EXCEPT MOSES: GOOD!!!!